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Bernabeu? Absolute Dive
Apparently, Real Madrid are furious after they were informed they could have bought a big girl’s blouse from Primark for £4, rather than the £80million they’ve paid.
Brett, Lancashire

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor!
Three doctors are chatting at an international conference.
The Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
The Russian doctor replies, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
Not to be outdone, the English doctor, says: 'Ha! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within 24 hours.'
Scott W, Bedford

Britain's Got Taliban
World leaders really like Susan Boyle because she’s an important weapon in the war on terror. Young extremists are thinking twice about blowing themselves up now because they now know what a virgin looks like.
Sean Lock, 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Paw De France
What do you do if your dog starts chasing everyone on a bicycle? Take away his bicycle.
Diarmid, Southampton

Semi-On Skimmed
A farmer buys a milking machine, tries it on his penis and has a great orgasm but can’t remove it. He reads the manual and faints. It says: 'Auto release after 20 litres.'
Richard Machin, via mobile

Lil' Kim
Kim Jong-Il said that if provoked, North Korea would not hesitate to use its nuclear weapons in a 'merciless offensive'.
Well, I just hope no one is stupid enough to provoke that fat little weirdo. Who wears women’s glasses.
Jimmy Fallon, US talkshow host

Off The Rails
British Rail are at it again. The sign said, 'Don’t stand too close to the edge or you may get sucked off.' Four bloody hours I wasted.
Mark H, via email

Cum As You Are
An 80-year-old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up two days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks, 'Why no sperm sample?' The old man, embarrassed, mumbles: 'Sorry. I tried with my right hand, then my left. My wife tried using both hands, then her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out. Then we got Ethel from next door to try. But it was no good. We just can’t get the damn jar open.'
Ray Lappin, Liverpool

To The Grammar Born
If 'I am' is the shortest sentence in the world, what’s the longest sentence? 'I do.'
Rikki Hendon, via email

Chilly Willy
How do find Will Smith when he’s lost in the snow? You just look for the fresh prints.
Popbitch.com

Eggs-Tremist
BNP leader Nick Griffin was outraged by the recent egg-throwing attack. He says they should’ve separated the whites first.
James Brown, South Shields

Atom Kitten
Scientists have discovered a brand new element. It’s dense, unstable and collapses every 20 minutes. They haven’t named it yet, but I’m suggesting Kerry Katonium.
Friday Night With Jonathan Ross

'Madonna must have awful wind on those diets. You see her on stage and I bet she’s parping away. No wonder her dancers look so miserable'
Alan Carr worries over the state of Madge’s bowels

'My mind’s wandering over a range of animals remarkable for the extravagance of their reproductive techniques'
Sir David Attenborough, asked which animal he’d like to be reincarnated as

'Sexy Hitler'
Jewish comedienne Sarah Silverman reveals her favourite fancy dress outfit

'It was obviously a bit of a shock. I assumed it was a mistake, but the first thing I did was ring my partner and get her to turn the central heating down'
Mark Neadley from Hull, who last week got a 'human error' text from British Gas warning that his bill was £85bn

'I’d like to get married in the woods because I’m not really into that whole traditional thing'
Lee Ryan from Blue. Deep

'We often talk about what we would do for one night with Cheryl Cole. We’ve agreed that we’d cut off a big toe'
Harry from McFly reveals their band’s tour bus talking points

Water Works
Giving a woman oral sex is like playing Monopoly. It seems like a good idea at the start, but always takes too long to finish.
Sent in my mrfinger, via email

Thrill Bill
Actor David Carradine has been found dead in a wardrobe in his Bangkok hotel room, after 'accidentally' hanging himself while attempting auto-erotic asphyxiation. He was best known for his role as Kwai Chang Caine in the TV series Kung Fu. Well, not any more he’s not.
Frankie Boyle, stand-up

Knot What It Seems
A man’s wife came in wearing a sexy nighty. She told him 'Tie me up and do what you want'. So he tied her up, fucked her sister and went fishing.
Brett, Lancashire