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Festival Flake Out!
There were a lot of people out there suffering the effects of Glastonbury last week. I know the feeling. From my early 20s, I’ve gone to festivals every year – and my problem has always been pacing myself.

I went to Glastonbury last year, and I have to be honest – I lost the plot. I completely overdid it, took far too many drugs and got very paranoid. I got there on Friday, but was so freaked out I had to come home Saturday morning!

I’m telling you, I took everything that was put in front of me. Jesus – there was all sorts. The new thing there seemed to be everyone inhaling balloons of laughing gas.

I had a moment when I had all these youngsters around me sucking on balloons, and I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I felt like a right old boy!

Funnily enough, I probably prefer the V festival to Glastonbury. I know Glastonbury is the ultimate, but it’s too big. You have to walk two miles to get anywhere, and I can’t be fucked with that. I’m pals with Kasbian, so I reckon I’ll go to V with them this year.

I won’t do the full experience though – this year, it’ll be one day, then fuck off! My missus won’t let me come back and kip at home all day to recover: I’ve got a kid to look after. I’m getting old!

Prozzy Prez
I see they’re accusing Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, of using prossies. He should hold his hands up and point out that he’s not going for some smackhead, 20-quid brass – he’s going for the high-class ones that cost two grand a night. I reckon some people would warm to that. He’s getting his nuts in, and you can’t knock him for that.

Chris Brown - Scum
Chris Brown – the R&B singer who’s been done for assaulting Rihanna – is a dirty animal. My 12-year-old daughter’s a big fan of his and was in denial about the whole thing. But this geezer bit his girlfriend, for fuck’s sake. It was a savage beating.

I know birds can drive you mad – mine gets me to the point where I’m tearing my hair out – but I would never raise a hand to my old woman. This animal piece of shit thinks he can do what he wants because he’s a millionaire. He’s scum.

They haven’t banged him up, but his whole fanbase was female. They’re not going to look at him in the same light now, so at least his career’s gone south. Good riddance.

Up Yours, United
My favourite transfer of the summer so far? Easy: seeing Carlos Tevez leave Man United. It just shows they’re not as powerful as they think they are. They can’t leave players of his quality sitting around, waiting to see if they’re going to be bought. He’s still on loan from my lot at Upton Park, for fuck’s sake! I’m glad he’s turned round and said, 'Fuck you, I’m going to Man City.' The other nice thing is that it means Craig Bellamy is only going to be on the bench at City next season, the little mug.