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ZOO's Funniest Man Of The Week: The Appropriately-Named Jarred Christmas!

Hello. My name is Jarred Christmas. And yes, that is my real name. I get very paranoid this time of year. People talk about Christmas; I think they’re talking about me.

It got so bad last year I punched out a random person on the street because I thought he said my balls smelled. Turns out he meant the Christmas Puddings cooking at Greggs.

No X Factor
Christmas is a season of cheer and goodwill – unless you’re on The X Factor; then it’s a time of fading into obscurity if you’re talented and death threats if you’re not.

What a finale we had! Well, it was certainly very long. We had James Arthur, mainstream pop’s attempt at indie and Jahmene Douglas who can sing brilliantly, despite his teeny ears. And we can never forget Christopher Maloney.

Shame! He drips with so much cheese, I’m surprised he’s not got a colony of mice living on his chin. Thank Christ it’s over… until it starts again in about a week’s time.

Christmas arguments
It’s not Christmas without a massive argument, so make sure you play Monopoly over the festive season.

No Monopoly game ends happily. It’s always shouting and someone saying, “Put that in the wardrobe and lets never speak of this night again.”

Above all, remember to hide disappointment at sh*t presents. You can always return them, or if they’re really sh*tty, re-gift ’em! Merry bloody Christmas!

Jarred stars in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at New Wimbledon Theatre from 7 Dec-13 Jan. Visit atgtickets.com/Wimbledon

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