Your Jokes This Week: Santa V Moses Rap Battle And Fernando Torres' Shots!

Cheap shot
Fernando Torres walks into a bar. He asks for a shot. The barman says, “That’s not like you…”
M Wignall, Eltham

Lonely one
I read a survey which claims 1-in-10 mates are hated by the other nine. I can’t wait to find out who it is when my pals come back from their lads’ holiday.
William Mott, Luton

Job unsatisfaction
Yesterday, I was stood at the “positions vacant” section in the Jobcentre for five hours before anyone wanted to talk to me. I hate working at the Jobcentre.
Renny Douglas, Hither Green

Personal shopper
Some kids stopped me outside the shop earlier and said, “Hey mate, will you go in there and get us 10 Richmond?” “Sure I will,” I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and told them they only come in packs of eight.
David Halsall, via email

Mind reader
My girlfriend came round my flat today and said, “You’d rather go to the pub, drink beer, watch football and spend time with your friends than have some quality time with me.” Well, I was totally shocked. I had no idea she was psychic.
Justin Lee, Bedford

Live show
My mate gets his kicks by getting naked in museums on full display to everybody. Some might say he’s an exhibitionist.
Dereck Simpson, Plymouth

Funny how none of the papers have leaked the Leveson inquiry findings.
Jack Dee

Genius one-liner 
Optician says I’m colour blind. That came as a bolt out of the green.
Keith Chegwin

Eat your greens
Growing up, my mum forced me to eat greens. To this day, I’m still banned from 37 golf courses.
Mick Smith, via Twitter

Nando’s is basically KFC for people who can use a knife and fork.
Sean Lock

What an absolute croc
Apparently, a man in Australia was so drunk, he was kicked out of the pub. He decided to go to a local zoo, where he climbed into the enclosure of a five-metre saltwater crocodile and then tried to ride it. It almost defies belief.
I mean, how drunk did he have to get before he was kicked out of a pub in Australia?
Joseph Cullip, via email

I bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked, “Will you be putting it up yourself?” I replied, “No, you sick bastard. It’s for the living room!”
Colin Roberts, via email

Official informant
It’s been determined there’s major corruption within the Association Of Football Referees. This information was leaked by a whistle blower.
Vito Modica, via email

Christmas Blues
My kids are confused by the Chelsea FC Advent calendar I got them. Every time they open a door, a manager walks out.
Neil Renton, Edinburgh

Special brunch
I recently started watching this great new TV show, where a couple of secret agents roar around in a Ford Capri fighting crime, and then cook an exquisite meal under a strict deadline. It’s called Masterchef: The Professionals.
Patrick Walker, via email

New tablet
I bought my wife a seven-inch tablet for Christmas. It’s the biggest aspirin I’ve ever seen.
Franny Dunham, via text

Sick corner 
I just found a whip, mask and handcuffs in my mum’s bedroom. I can’t believe it… She’s a superhero!
Steve Cox, Chatham

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