Keith Lemon Gives ZOO His Guide On How To Have A Bang Tidy Christmas!

Keith Lemon

Pulling At The Office Party
If I go on the pull, I don’t need tactics any more. Birds come up to me and go, “Are you Keith Lemon?” and I go, “Yeah. You wanna suck me cock?” That’s what happens. Seriously. But it don’t now because I’ve been seeing the same bird now for a few months.

But for readers, just lie, tell them how good you are, about your amazing car and house and just be nice. Then get them really p*ssed. That’s when to express true feelings like, “You’ve got beautiful tits.”

Getting Your Missus Perfume 
I’ve not got a perfume coming out, but Lady Gaga’s got one that’s supposed to smell of blood and spunk. Maybe make your own by putting a bit of jizz in some normal perfume. Actually, I had a sty on me eye and I figured if jizz could make humans, I’m sure it could cure stys. It worked. It did! 

I was on The Paul O’Grady Show and they cut that bit when I told the audience what I’d done and then said, “I should bottle it up and sell it.” I should, though. I’d call it Lemon Juice, or Lemon Jizz. I may not have a perfume coming out, but I have got soap on a rope, which is in the shape of me whale’s tooth – but much bigger.

Dealing With Bad Presents 
Me mum got me a belt with a dollar sign on it as a buckle and it spun. But it were so sh*t, it were good. It was Snakes On A Plane of the belt world. But she always buys me sh*t. 

I’ll get Fearne and Holly something, especially Fearne because she’s very generous. I expect she’ll just get kid stuff this Christmas because she’s up the duff. She’s gonna go, “Why ain’t anyone bought me anything? Just stuff for this f**king baby!” I’ll buy her some baby stuff and Holly a dildo. We had a dildo on the show last night. She seemed very impressed with it.

Alice GoodwinRemembering The True Meaning Of Christmas 
Yeah, remember the true meaning of Christmas is baby Jesus, not Alice Goodwin with two Christmas puddings covering her tits! 

If I had to give birth to a human man on 25 December in a stable in Bethlehem, it would be Michael J Fox because he’s small and a fantastic actor. But what if I gave birth to Owen Wilson and his nose came out first? It would look like a knob coming out of my minge!

Growing A Christmas Beard 
For Christmas, me and my mates grow massive beards. We call them our Christmas beards. December happens, no one shaves, and then we all have full-on f**king Santa Claus beards. Not Santa Claus beards, but like a tramp. It’s too long, but yeah, it’s a full Christmas beard, I think. Then, when I’m back at work, I shave it all off and just keep me tache.

Robbie Savage copied my hair, but we copied Owen Wilson out of Wedding Crashers. We’ve all got the same hair. Eileen from Coronation Street has my hair as well. Google it!

Watching Christmas TV
I’m on Christmas Take Me Out. It was f**king bizarre! The studio stuff was ace and I had a great time. I was trying to make Paddy laugh by looking into his eyes, right into his soul, while he was reading off auto cue. They did a little ad break and I said to him, “I don’t know who to f**king pick. Who’s going to be a laugh?” There was one who looked like a mix between Lana Del Rey and Caroline Flack stretched out. I had my f**king eye on that one, but she didn’t have much to say. 

The girl I went on a date with was a fan, but because she was a fan of me she wanted to bring me down a level. When I met her for our date she said, “Your hair doesn’t look as good as it does on TV and you could do with botox.” But because I’m a gentleman, I didn’t say what I thought of her.

Keith Lemon: The Film is out now on DVD


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