Here Are The Jokes: Gandalf's Street Magic, Twilight And Brain Surgery!

Flipped out
Rafa Benitez has been sacked by Chelsea after his team failed to win the toss in his first game in charge.
Joe Thomas, Birmingham

Gods of phwoar
The ancient god Zeus was flying over Greece when he spied a gorgeous naked woman, washing by a lake. Swooping down, he made love to her. Then he told her: “In nine months, you will have a child and you’ll call it Hercules.” She smiled and replied: “In nine days you will have a rash and you’ll call it Herpes.”
Steve Cox, Chatham

Grey matter
A bloke last night was whinging about failing his brain surgery exams because he’s got nobody to practice on. I gave him a piece of my mind...
Andrew Lawrence, via Twitter

Friendly terrorist
Abu Qatada is described as a “nightmare neighbour”. He can’t leave the house, he’s not allowed visitors and the police are always on his doorstep. He’s an absolutely brilliant neighbour.
Henning Wehn, 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Lend us a tenor
Interviewer: “What have you been doing since you left Liverpool, Rafa?”
Benitez: “Go compare! Go compare!”
Richy Lunt, Merseyside

Bad act
I went to see Twilight last night, but it was ruined by some annoying girl talking the whole way through. Kristen Stewart I think her name was.
Joseph Cullip, via email

So I was at this party and this bloke came up to me and said, “I’ve just got off with one of the Cheeky Girls and didn’t enjoy it.” I said, “Pull the other one.”
Tim Vine

Genius one-liner 
If Mary had given birth to Jesus a few days later, we’d have saved a fortune in the January sales.
Phil Walker

Whose car is it anyway?
My girlfriend and I were out shopping the other day. As we left the shops, there was a parking attendant writing a ticket. I asked if he could just forget about it, but he ignored me. I called him an arsehole and he started writing another ticket. My girlfriend called him a w**ker, and he stuck the second ticket on the car with the first and started writing another. This went on for about 20 minutes. Then our bus turned up and we went home. Don’t know whose car it was. 
Sam Childs, via text

Front line focus
I’m not saying Sarah Harding has had botox on her forehead, but there’s more movement in QPR’s front line. 
Neil Renton, Edinburgh

Christmas shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving with last minute shoppers. After losing each other the girlfriend phoned her fella to find out where he was. He said, “Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you fell in love with that necklace we could not afford and I told you one day I would get it for you?” Her eyes filled with tears of emotion and she whispered, “Yes darling, I remember that shop.” “Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next door.”
Lee M, Leicester

Value for money
Mitt Romney spent £500m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars bar.
Mike Halonen, Bath

If Nadine Dorries going on I’m a Celebrity… is how you get people voting, how long before we see Nick Clegg rimming a porcupine?
Russell Howard

Her majesty’s restaurants
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”
“Certainly, sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?”
“F**k off you prick,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen. |
Jason Howard, Darlington

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