Watch out
Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
- GREG APPLEBY, St Helens

Sh*t impression
Everyone was in stitches when I did my impression of Paula Radcliffe’s running style at our local gym. Except the manager. He said that taking a dump by the side of the treadmill was a step too far.
- Jason Burns, Gateshead

Hands-on experience
A beautiful girl was giving me a hand job last night. “You’re really good at this“ I said to her. “What’s your secret?”
“Years of practice,” she giggled. 
“So you’ve done this to loads of guys, then?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “my name used to be Derek.”
- GAZ, Nottingham

Puppy-dog eyes
I bought my wife a pug as a surprise present. Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her.
- Craig Charr, via text

Wrong suit
My mate called me last week and said, “Make sure you’ve got nothing on next Saturday, we’re going to my mum’s 50th birthday party.” I’m not sure turning up naked was what he meant.
- Kevin Yardsley, via email

Talent spotting
The Olympics have changed the perception of Britain on the world stage. Two weeks ago, the world thought we were rubbish at sport but great at music.
- David, via email

You know who
I went to a fancy dress party with a condom on my nose. “Who have you come as?” asked the host. 
“F**k nose,” I said.
- Jimmy B, via email

That’s a wrap
I wasn’t happy with Fifty Shades Of Grey. Despite being “mummy porn”, it didn’t satisfy my fetish for Ancient Egypt.
- Billy gartside, Dover

Rude video
I was watching Nicki Minaj videos when my mum came in my room, so I switched to porn. It was easier to explain.
- Jason Cunningham, Norwich

Switching suppliers
Does anyone have Oxfam’s number? I just got my £278 water bill and then heard on the TV that Oxfam can supply a family with water for just £2 a month.
- Don P, via text

Eye sore
“How’s my eyesight?”
“Perfect: 20/20 vision.”
“You sure? I can barely see my hand in front of my face. How long have you been an optician?”
“Optician? Sorry, I’m an optimist.”
- Barry Graham, Peterborough
 
Sick corner
I went to the hospital to get a mole removed from my penis the other day. The doctors said it went well, but the RSPCA are looking for me. 
- A Lipian, via email

"George Osborne got booed at the Paralympics, but apparently Oscar Pistorious broke a world record chasing him out of the stadium"
Jonathan Ross

"Watching Usain Bolt run the 100 metres in under 10 seconds is depressing. My personal best at the 100 metres is 80 metre!"
Chris Addison

Genious one-liner
I bet David Cameron has never had a friend with benefits
- Tony Cowards