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It's Time For Our Best Jokes Of The Week AND A Video Of A Rapping Fish!


Magic numbers

I was walking down the street today when some guys ran past me dressed as the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. How odd.
- John Martin, Dartford

Date movie
Disappointed that so few Romcoms even contain Romans
- Gary Delany

Football in the beginning
My neighbour knows nothing about football. He thought Eden Hazard was what Adam and Eve ate.
- Tony Cowards, stand-up

Dirty fingers
I got in touch with my inner self earlier today. That’s the last time I ever buy value toilet roll.
- Ali Smith, Leicester

Rude point
I managed to get myself banned 10 minutes into my very first erectile dysfunction support meeting last night. After a brief introduction, the mentor asked: “So, does anyone have anything they’d like to raise before we begin?” In hindsight, maybe I should’ve just kept it in my pants.
- Danny Scream, Birmingham

Home groan
I’m worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen’s dropped, then Andrew Strauss resigns. At this rate, it won’t be long before we have to start picking actual English players.
- Colin Roberts, via email
 
Genius one-liner 
Being an Arsenal fan on Deadline Day is like being a eunuch at an orgy
- Chris Martin

Monsieur Barton
Just when I thought Joey Barton couldn’t be any more rude, arrogant and unpopular, he’s now going to start speaking French!
- Bill Field, Gloucester

A car named…
I hope the actress Jessica Biel names her first-born child Batmo.
- Greg, Lake District

Mars attacks
The Mars Rover broadcast a song by the Black Eyed Peas. There you have it – Mars really is uninhabitable.
- Conan O’Brien, Conan

Russell Brand and Geri Halliwell have had more partners than Dirty Harry
Frankie Boyle

No more goals
I heard Emile Heskey is in talks to join Glasgow Rangers. I didn’t know the Scottish FA imposed a goal-scoring ban on them as well.
- Matt McD, Belfast

Playing to a packed house
Victor Moses watched his first game for Chelsea after transferring from Wigan. After the game he said, “I enjoyed the match, but who were all those people sitting in the seats around the pitch?”
- Frank Jones, Surrey

Scare-stroke
I was driving past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to crack one out. I thought to myself, “That fella’s clutching at straws.”
- Nick Pentelion, via text

Uploading error
Bill Gates has a medical condition where his tiny penis is always flaccid. It’s called “Microsoft”.
- Ian Downey, via text

Job cuts
A donkey walks into a bar. “Where’s the horse?” asks the barman. “Recession,” says the donkey.
- Kevin K, Camden

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