Best bar none
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in different wrappers. It gets his Snickers in a Twix.
- Mikey, Essex

Porn Again
An outbreak of syphilis is threatening to shut down production in the porn industry in America. They tried to stop it several weeks ago, but every time someone in a nurses’ uniform showed up, they’d strip and join
in the scene.
- Frankie Boyle, stand-up

Missing Rooney
So, England will have to start their 2014 World Cup qualifying campaign without Wayne Rooney leading the line. I don’t think it’s that much of a problem, though – they have to do that even when he’s in the starting 11.
- S Johnson, Merthyr Tydfil

Unpleasant surprise
Unexpected sex is the best way of waking up. Unless you’re in jail...
- Erwin Aleksandrov, via email

Nut allergy
My boss asked, “Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?” I said, “It’s ’cos I’m allergic to peanuts.”
- Richy Lunt, Merseyside

Living strong
I reached a life-long goal at last. I’ve won as many Tour de France races as Lance Armstrong.
- Ron Cheatham, Bath

Mr Whiffy
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds, my girlfriend said, “F**king hell Dave, that stinks!” It must’ve been pretty awful. She was downstairs at the time.
- Dave Allan, via text

Genius one-liner
It seems unfair the huge price of my eye test was in the small print
- Milton Jones

King Of The Jungle
Police in Essex say a lion is reportedly on the loose. They have marksmen ready to shoot anything bright orange with a big mouth. The cast of TOWIE have been told to stay indoors, just in case.
- Alex Smith, Leicester

Open window
I got chatting to a girl down the pub last night. She said, “What do you work as?” “It’s a very important job,” I said.
“I have to finalise deals in the transfer window.” “Wow, you’re a football agent?” she asked. “No,” I replied, “I work in a McDonald’s drive thru.”
- ALAN SPRAGGEN, Merseyside

High Trousers Spice
I loved Mel B on The X Factor. She’s like Simon Cowell, just with smaller breasts
- Jonathan Ross

Ginger birthday suits
Prince Harry’s recent scandal has shocked the world. For the first time, people are interested in seeing a naked ginger person.
- Big Dave, Camber 

Classic football
Clint Dempsey wants to join Liverpool FC to “play at the top level”. There’s no word yet from the club on how they plan to transport him back to the 1980s.
-Jake Beeney, Bolton

Hope & Faith
Maxi Jazz from Faithless isn’t very good at Farmville. He can’t get no sheep.
- Dan, Deptford

Holly would
I like how at the end of Hollyoaks, a voice says “If you’ve been affected by any issues in this programme, please phone this number”. So I phoned and said “Hello? I can’t act either.”
- Alex Smith, Leicester

Tweets of the week

Dream job
Based on movies, I wanna get a job in a big hotel kitchen because you’ll be privy to at least one chase in which someone knocks over a porter.
- Chris Martin @ChrisMcomedy

Secrets of the giant squid
Told Karl there’s a TV documentary called The Truth About The Giant Squid. Karl said “Why? Who’s been lying about it up till now?”
- Ricky Gervais @rickygervais

Moon walker
When Neil Armstrong said he was over the moon, you didn’t know if that was good or not.
-Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney

Strip billiards
Apparently, Harry was playing “strip billiards”. What a great posh euphemism for sex.
- Jack Whitehall @jackwhitehall