Paint the town pink 
Just saw someone one the news holding a sign saying "free pussy riot". I'm in. Where's everybody meeting?
- Mark Johnson, Hertforshire

Missus delivery
Personally, I think the whole mail-order bride thing is a total myth. For a start you don't get brown envelopes that big.
- Kevin Gillinhal, Stoke

In The book
My wife said to me, "Since you took up refereeing, you've become a real pain to live with."
Angered by this outburst I warned her, "Get back in your technical area, then I'll listen to you."
- Mikey97, via text
 
Bird and the bee
A lady goes to the doctor with a bee up her vagina. The doc says, "I'm going to rub honey on my penis and insert it. When the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
The doctor starts the procedure and the woman begins to moan. The doctor gets faster and harder until the woman yell, "What the hell are you doing, doc?"
The doctor looks at her and says, "There's been a change of plan, I'm going to drown the bastard!" 
- Phil Wheatley, Kent

Here's a tip... 
I waited for an hour for my starter so i complained: "It's not rocket salad!"
- Lou Sanders, Stand up

The Government is very worried about childhood obesity. I dont know what they can do about it really except for strengthening see-saws
- Sean Lock

Genius one-liner
I know someone who's trying to set up a "Speed Groping" night. It's touch and go whether it happens. 
- Andrew Lawrence

Medal of dishonour
A horse walks into a bar, the bar says to him, "why the long face?"
The horse replies, "Well I came first at the Olympics, and they gave the medal to the tw*t on my back. 
- Nick, via email

Brotherly love 
After meeting the Dutchman’s wife, Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat Robin van Persie like his own brother. 
- James Brown, South Shields

Total nonsense 
When historians write of the decline of the West, there will be whole chapters on the fact they remade Total Recall.
- Lloyd Woolf, stand-up

Me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back-to- back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV
- Tim Vine

Brotherly love 
After meeting the Dutchman’s wife, Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat Robin van Persie like his own brother. 
- James Brown, South Shields

SICK CORNER
When my girlfriend suggested we play Doctors and Nurses, I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.
- Gary Delaney, stand-up

The Jeremy Kyle experience 
My wife wanted to go and watch The Jeremy Kyle Show for her birthday, so I’ve sorted it out. I’ve got her sister pregnant. 
- Matt McD, Belfast 

Total balls-up 
Female Belarusian shot put Gold medallist Nadzeya Ostapchuk tested positive for a banned substance. Testicles.
- Christian Armstrong, via email 

Quid Pro Quo 
“You’ve just been using me for sex!” said my missus. “What else did you expect?” I asked. “Love and support!” She shouted. “So you’ve been using me for love and support!” I shouted back. Dan A, via text No chance My mum’s so pessimistic, if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances. 
- Nish Kumar, stand-up

Orbital travel It takes the Nasa space probe two months to travel 4.3 miles on Mars. We have a similar problem on Earth called the M25. 
- @Philwalkercomic 

V Festival Off to V fest. Taking vase, vest and Victoria sponge. Hope I fit in. 
- @themiltonjones 

Like for like swap “It’s not Virgin running the train, it’s FirstGroup!” Similar sentences include “Don’t worry, you haven’t got Gonorrhea. It’s Syphilis!” 
- @mrchrisaddison 

For sale The Arsenal captain’s armband is like when a shop puts a “reduced to clear” sticker on an item. 
- @jackwhitehall