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24 Of The Best New Gags From The Edinburgh Comedy Festival!

Stewart Franics
You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

Tom Stade
I am a bit of an absentee father. I can barely name two friends of what’s-his-face.

Rob Deering
How did Captain Kirk ruin all his old vinyl records? He played them at warp speed.

Mark Restuccia
I recently adopted a whale and a monkey from an animal charity, which is all very well. But, one day, I’m going to have to be the one who explains to them why they don’t look like each other.

Grainne Maguire
Fifty Shades Of Grey has not made it OK for women to read porn on public transport. I was reading Bum Bandits 5 this morning and the looks I got…

Danny Buckler
I saw a bloke wearing one of those football shirts from Primark, for a team that doesn’t actually exist… Portsmouth.

Toby Williams
Pornography is often frowned upon. But that’s only because I’m really concentrating.

Hayley Ellis
I was very naive, sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.

Des Bishop 
They found some Just For Men when they killed Osama Bin Laden. Of course, in that part of the world, it’s not called Just For Men – it’s called Unjust For Women.

Ian Stirling
When Jesus went to Heaven, was that not essentially “moving back in with your parents”?

Jarlath Regan
Applying fake tan on your girlfriend’s body is as stressful as painting a house for a grumpy old lady. You have all the same concerns: applying the coats evenly, not missing a bit and staying within the budget.

Matt Forde
You have to be self-deprecating in the right way. I’d say about myself, “At least I’m keeping Greggs in business.” I’d never say, “I’m 29, but I look 40 because I eat sh*t and don’t move.”

Patrick Monahan
They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in an Alzheimer’s hospice.

Neil Delamere
Why do hen parties still make the bride-to-be wear an L-plate? Women aren’t sexually inexperienced going into marriage any more. Most of the girls I know should have racing gloves and their own helmets.

The Dog-Eared Collective
I used to work for Vision Express, but we didn’t see eye-to-eye.

Tiffany Stevenson
Do you reckon the Queen has mugs with pictures of normal people on them? Barry and Lynette on their holiday in Lanzarote, or a commemorative plate of someone’s stag do? 

Alex Horne
I used to work in a shop selling waterbeds, but I got sacked, even though I tried really hard – I pulled out all the stops.

Luke Benson
My dog’s in heat; it has a big gun fight with Al Pacino.

Tom Deacon
I’d find it difficult to be a porn star. You’re always in and out of work – literally.

Alistair Barrie 
My ex-girlfriend’s a lecturer. But, then again, aren’t they all?

Luke Toulson
If men fear commitment, how come so many buy football season tickets?

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