Jokes Of The Week On Euro 2012, David Cameron And Teeside Tintin!
WAITING FOR A BUS
A woman has a problem with her closet door. Every time a bus passes by, it keeps falling off. So she calls a repairman. The repairman arrives and sees that the door does indeed keep falling off every time a bus passes. “OK, I’m going in,” he says. “Just shut the door behind me.” He steps into the closet, at which time the woman’s husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. “What the hell are you doing here?” asks the husband. “Well, you’re not going to believe it,” replies the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus!”
- Alan, Chester-Le-Street
GLASS HALF FULL
I asked David Cameron if he thought the glass was half full or half empty. He replied that through a series of cuts, his Government aims to reduce the glass size by a third over the next two years, creating the illusion of a fuller glass.
- Alex, via email
Roy Hodgson asked the England squad if they’d settle for pens. Everyone but Rooney said yes. He said he wanted crayons.
- Wes, Essex
I turned up at the filming of Dragons’ Den and said, “I’ve lost my keys and, for that reason, I’m out.”
- Milton Jones
HITTING THE BARS
Ashley Young is so depressed after his penalty miss that he’s gone to hit a bar in Kiev.
- Scottyboy, Lochaber
John Terry was reportedly the first person to console Ashley Cole and Ashley Young after the penalty shoot-out. Apparently, he’s good at dealing with his teammates’ misses.
- Franny, via text
Tomorrow, I’m going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid. I can’t wait to see how big my puppy is.
- Kev Udin, Birmingham
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is not the name of a footballer. That’s the name of a posh kid on his gap year
SLEEP WITH THE HORSES
I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the Mafia that arranged for Camilla to meet Prince Charles. They are well known
for putting horse heads in people’s beds.
- Craig, via text
WORK, REST AND PLAY
So England lose 4-2 on penalties against Italy. Where’s the guy from the Mars advert when you need him?
- Matt mcD, Belfast
I’ve been to the bookies to collect my winnings after I put a tenner on England losing on penalties in the Euro 2012 Quarter-Finals. I wonder what I’ll spend my £2 winnings on?
- Nick F, Bromley
DOWN FOR PENS
I don’t blame Ashley Young for missing his penalty. It must have been confusing for him, taking a spot-kick without diving first.
- Chris Pratley, Southampton
THE GREAT ESCAPE
I was sent to prison and said to my cellmate, “I won’t be in here long.” “But the judge gave you six years…” he replied. “Yeah, I know,” I said. “But I think my wife will break me out. She’s never let me finish a sentence before.”
- James Hinton, Hartlepool