DRUNK MAN SINGS TO A CAT

England song
The FA has confirmed Duran Duran are to release England’s Euro 2012 song: His Name Is Rio And He Watches From The Stands.
James Brown, South Shields

Euro’s without Rio
Wayne Rooney is gutted that Rio won’t be going to Euro 2012, but Coleen has promised him she’ll pack some other cartoon DVDs in his case instead.
Charlie, via email

Letter of the law
My mate died after taking an E. Countdown’s security staff don’t mess about.
Ed Sulivan, via email

Old school
Kenny Dalglish has maintained he’s not out of touch with modern football, insisting given another season, he’d have knocked Nottingham Forest off their perch.
Col Roberts, via email

Hair of the dog
The hair of the dog can be a cheap and effective solution for a hangover and a combover.
Wes, Southend

No use
Taking Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing to Poland and Ukraine is like packing your bikini and sun tan lotion for a weekend in Scotland.
Terry Wimslow, Watford

Lost in translation
I pulled a girl from Birmingham last week and couldn’t understand a word she said. It’s the last time I shag someone with a political science degree.
Duncan Johnson, Salford

Anti-climax
I told my wife I was feeling horny. “Well, we can soon sort that out,” she said with a wink as she slowly undressed. She was right, too – I stopped feeling horny immediately.
James Brown, South Shields

The little things   
My dad always told me to make the little things count. That’s why I’ve really enjoyed teaching maths to dwarves ever since.  
Stewart, via text

Pants on fire
The CIA has managed to catch another pants bomber, but I’d have thought that’s the last thing you’d want to get blown off if you’re in with a chance of seeing 72 virgins.
Paul Chowdhry, stand-up

The Chelsea bus
Chelsea were forced to cancel their homecoming victory parade after they realised that the bus they planned to use for it was still parked in front of their goal in Munich.
Stevie O, Essex

Competition winner
Congratulations to Stewart Downing on winning Nestle’s “Win A Place At The Euros With The England Team” competition this year.
Jason Robby, Lake District

WATERMELON VS ELASTIC BANDS

Smart-looking phone
I keep my mobile in a mini tuxedo jacket pouch. It’s the smartest phone on the market.
Mike De’Souza, Peterborough

Webb for sale
After a trophyless season last term and a run of disappointing results, Manchester United have decided to put Howard Webb on the transfer list.
Craig, via text

That’s all, folks!
The Cabinet performance of Vince Cable has definitely convinced me to have my parents’ euthanasia documentation rushed through.
Frankie Boyle, stand-up

Doing a Terry
I’m contemplating doing a John Terry by wearing my running gear and waiting near the Great Manchester Run finish line to pretend I won.
Baz, via text

Cheesey Euro-pap
I once saw a pop star, on drugs, try to feed himself cheese through his eyes. True story. That’s what watching Eurovision is like.
Jonathan Ross
@wossy

Puppet master
I’ve worked out that my new shadow puppet theatre could make millions, but that’s just projected figures.
Tony Cowards
@TonyCowards

End of days
Germans losing a penalty shoot-out? I’m pretty sure that is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Barricade your doors.
Graeme Swann
@Swannyg66

Chill out
The Financial Times has used the word “chillaxed” in a headline today. I think we can safely assume that it’s all over for humanity.
Chris Addison
@mrchrisaddison

SICK CORNER
I got chatting to a bird at a posh house party. “I’m eighth in line for the throne,” I bragged. “Wow!” She gasped, “Are you royalty?” “No,” I replied, “I’m just dying for a sh*t.”
Milto, Catford

GENIUS ONE-LINER
Apparently I need foot surgery – but I’d prefer the doctor to use his hands.
Milton Jones

Alan Carr
Simon Cowell loves playing with Pudsey. Just the other day they spent a fun day together burying Sinitta in the garden