Acting hamster

Historical venue
I’ve just read that Chelsea want to build a new stadium in Battersea Power Station. What about Stamford Bridge? You can’t just bulldoze six years of history.
Colin Roberts, via email

On the bright side
Are you a Man United fan devastated by City’s title win? Cheer up, things could be a lot worse – you could be living in Manchester.
Chris Davis, Essex

The big dog
So Pudsey the dog has just won £500,000 on Britain’s Got Talent, making him one of the richest dogs in the UK. I bet Harry Redknapp’s dog still feels smug, though. She didn’t have to do anything to earn her money.
J McAdam, Norwich

Role-play
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. But she got angry when I started holding auditions for her part.
Anthony Shep, Luton      

Fergie time
Sir Alex Ferguson has filed a police report claiming Roberto Mancini stole his stopwatch.
Bondy, Gloucester

House of dummies
Ever since I became a father, I have realised that politicians and nappies all need to be changed frequently for the same reason: they are full of sh*t!
Dennis O, Liverpool

Schoolboy error
My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know – she’s expecting a baby.” I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
Mike, Liverpool

Dog has his day
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I have ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Mickey G, Coventry

Drunken delights
I do gigs up and down the country and my girlfriend always worries I’ll play away from home. So I try to reassure her with the classic Paul Newman quote: “Why have a burger when you’ve got steak at home?” The problem is, when you’re pissed, burgers are well nice.
Rob Beckett, 8 Out Of 10 Cats

GENIUS ONE-LINER
They’ve re-launched the Coalition. You can re-launch puke as street pizza – it doesn’t mean anything.
Sean Lock

Royal promise
The Queen has pledged to tackle the deficit. She gave that speech wearing a crown of diamonds and sat on a throne, after which she got into a golden carriage and was driven back to the palace in which she lives. And she did all that without pissing herself laughing.
Jon Richardson, stand-up

Bird call

Voicing opinion
The Voice is in crisis after two million viewers switched off. Ironically, just as the judges stopped turning their backs on the show, the audience started.
Alan Carr, Chatty Man

Blue Monday
There are a lot of Man United fans feeling blue today. Not because they lost the league – because they now support Man City.
Craig Weir, Wirral

’Eck of a job
The Alex McLeish sacking confirmation took so long because he was clearing his desk – he had too many draws!
Jonny Sutherland, Birmingham

Jimmy Carr
Forty-three per cent of people say they’ve made love in a car. I know I have. I tell you what, if my car could talk… I’d be David Hasselhoff.

SICK CORNER
Undertakers had problems getting Vidal Sassoon’s coffin out of the door. So they took a bit off the top and shaved the sides.
Matt McD, Belfast

Request ignored
I’m in a pub in Manchester. I politely asked them not to tell me the score. So rude!
@seannwalsh

Last song
Just stepped into the back of a cab and The Apprentice music started in my head. Feel a vague sense of having not done my job properly.
@iandstone

Extreme sports
Got thrown out of a funeral yesterday. Apparently, standing on the coffin and pretending to surf is not “wakeboarding”.
@TonyCowards

Naming rights
Has anyone noticed that the roughest schools now all seem to be called “academies”? Let’s rename tough council estates “luxury apartments”.
@Halcruttenden

Not guilty
I stand accused of cutting a donkey’s tail off. But they won’t be able to pin it on me.
Steve Baines, via email