Jokes: Pisa High-Fiving!
Face the facts
Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses? That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s Furniture Emporium...
Danny P, via email
After watching his performance against Liverpool, Bayern Munich are to appeal John Terry’s Champions League Final suspension.
Benji, via email
I just gave my whole collection of encyclopedias to my mate. I don’t need them any more – my wife knows everything.
Mike Lloyd, Bath
I’ve just heard that one of my life-long friends has died of severe heartburn. I just can’t believe Gav is gone.
Matt McD, Belfast
"Up bright and early for my Countryfile debut. Must try to remember not to describe deer as 'delicious'"
The structure of The Voice UK is to make people who have never been heard of before a household name all over the country. Like Danny from The Script.
Chris Ferris, Reading
PM David Cameron wants to deliver “what matters to voters”. Presumably, he’s already booked a removal van.
Matt Green, stand-up
Tulisa is The World’s Sexiest Woman? Well, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting. Only for singing. Or trying to go down on me.
Frankie Boyle, stand-up
Rupert Murdoch’s been told he’s unfit to run a company. It gives him the perfect CV for next year’s Apprentice.
A friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
Emanuel S, Surrey
Twenty per cent of people say doing nothing is the perfect weekend. I’d love to lie in bed all day on a Saturday. Preferably Mollie or Frankie.
Jimmy Carr, 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Our weather’s like watching Question Time, then Loose Women – really dry then totally s**t.
Russell Howard, stand-up
I don’t see why people arecomplaining so much about queuing for three hours at Heathrow to get into Britain. People queue for four hours to get onto a ride at a theme park. This is a whole country you’re getting into!
Last night as I sat on the end of the bed pulling off my boxers, my wife went mental. “Leave the dogs alone and get into bed!” she screamed.
Three lads in a lapdancing club were watching a blonde gyrating on the pole. The first lad stuck £20 on her left buttock. Not to be outdone, the second lad stuck £30 on her right buttock. The third swiped his Visa down her crack and took £50 cashback!
Stewart, via text
Since learning to drive, it’s not back seat drivers who annoy me; it’s passenger seat drivers. “Turn left here”, “Let the other car go first”, “You pulled away too fast…” I’d had enough. I pulled over, dragged him out of the car and threw him to the pavement. Driving instructor or not, he got on my f**king nerves.
Seb, West Midlands
I was at a party with my missus. She said, “Look at that guy, drinking and dancing.” I asked her, “Who is he?” She said, “Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him!” I said, “Bloody hell, he’s still celebrating!”
Stewart, via text