Treadmill slinky

Hodgson for England
Roy Hodgson wants Imogen Thomas on the plane for Euro 2012. “I hear she’s wanked amongst the best players in the world,” said Hodgson.
Joe Sutton, Merseyside

Happy feet
A cop pulls over a man who is driving a car filled with penguins. “Sir, you can’t have all these penguins in your car,” the officer says to the driver. “You must take them to the zoo right now.”

The man agrees and the cop lets him go. The next day, he pulls over the same man with the same penguins in his car. When he approaches the vehicle, he notices the penguins are wearing sunglasses. “Sir, I distinctly remember telling you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo,” says the officer. “I did,” came the reply. “Today we’re going to the beach.”
Vito Modica, via email

Team talk
Manchester United’s dressing room before their crunch game with Man City: “Right lads, we should’ve had this title wrapped up, but we’ve been sloppy. We can’t let these bastards snatch it now because they’ll never let us live it down. I don’t care what you do – punch, elbow, push, pull, kick or dive – just get the job done!”

Then, Sir Alex Ferguson walks in and says, “Cheers ref, I’ll take it from here.”
Jr, London

Champions parade
Uefa has said suspended John Terry can lift the Champions League trophy. Not sure if Bayern would want him joining in their celebration.
Mike, Brighton

Tinkle in the swimming pool
I was at the local swimming baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!
Nate, Dunmow

Wife swap
I recently attended a wife-swapping party. Got a plasma TV and a lawnmower for her.
Patrick Walker, via email

Date & time
Two of my mates were in court for stealing a calendar. They both got six months.
Paul, via email

Boris’ botty
I’ve just seen the picture of the boy who got Boris Johnson tattooed on his leg. I think it would’ve saved a lot of time if he’d tattooed two eyes to his arse cheeks.
Terry G, via text

The Prophet Of Doom
I’ve just been told I’ve got cancer. I’m never inviting Geoff Shreeves around for tea again.
Barry H, Essex

Finger count
Katie Price says she can count the amount of men she has slept with on one hand… but that it has to be the hand of someone from Chernobyl.
Big Dave, South Shields

Excess water
When a flash flood left a house under water with the inhabitants trapped on the roof, I knew I had to act. So I found a dinghy and paddled through the torrential rain to the stranded householders. It was the only way to deliver the summons for violating the hosepipe ban.
Jon, Lancs

Good back-up
I’m getting tired of always having to back my wife up. I don’t see what’s so hard about reverse parking.
Colin Roberts, via email

Russian to get fit

Fun House
What’s the difference between a condom and the Houses Of Parliament? You can only get one nob in a condom.
Gordon Lovatt, New Milton

Going postal
I gather Theresa May resigned three weeks ago, but it’s just taking a long time to process.
Armando Iannucci
@Aiannucci

Evil turtle
I’m quite amused by Rupert Murdoch. To my eyes, he resembles a sort of evil bespectacled tortoise.
Andrew Lawrence
@andrewlawrence

Drug run
Great that Dwain Chambers has had his drugs ban overturned and will now have the chance to finish eighth in the 100 metres at the Olympics.
Jack Whitehall
@jackwhitehall

Man in the mirror
I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.
Conan O’Brien
@ConanOBrien

GENIUS ONE-LINER
Writing a screenplay for The Dragon With The Girl Tattoo.
Milton Jones

Frankie Boyle
The Sunday Times Rich List would sell a lot more copies in a recession if they called it The Kidnapper’s Bible