Wembley singles
I’ve given up using match.com. After six months, I haven’t met a single girl to play football against.
- Stewart, via text

Drog’s dinner
I was watching Chelsea vs Barcelona the other night and the picture went a bit fuzzy. I tapped the side of the TV and Didier Drogba fell over.
- Stevie S, Belfast

Sleeping around
I asked my missus how many men she had slept with. “Only you, darling,” she answered. “All the others kept me awake all night shagging.”
- Webb, via text

Ceefax: The Series
It’s been confirmed Dave has signed a lucrative contract to broadcast Ceefax from its very beginning.  
- Sam Robertson, Milton Keynes

Tarrant-less TV
A new show has been made where Fern Britton abducts old, annoying gameshow hosts and hides them in a secret location until the viewers can guess where they are. Britton’s Got Tarrant starts on Saturday.
- Jason K, via email

Tech-nooo!
A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: “Windows frozen.” He texts back: “Pour lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back: “Computer f**ked now!”
- Matt McD, Belfast

A dick’s life
The sad life of a penis: one eye, hair’s a mess, best mate’s a ballbag, neighbour’s an arsehole and his owner’s a tosser.
- Jay Marty, Northampton

Right ahead
The new Titanic movie is out. It’s shot in 3D and is better quality, with sharper, clearer images. Maybe they’ll see the iceberg this time!
- Turls, via email

Long-term love
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are said to be dating and getting serious. Friends say he’s the man she wants to spend the rest of her month with.
- Steve-O, London



Surfs up
I saw a surfer emerge from the water covered in salsa sauce, with guacamole in his hair and stinking of tequila.
I asked what happened. “I was hit by a Mexican wave,” he said.
- Joe Gundy, Lancashire

Sexy undies
My wife walked downstairs wearing some sexy new lingerie. “You like it?” she asked. “I bought it just for you.” “Ooh,” I winked back. “I hope it fits me.”
- Jimmy Giles, Surrey

Guilty verdict
I got caught stealing paving slabs. Turns out the police had concrete evidence.
- Colin Roberts, via email

Thief in the night
My mate stole a cheap mattress a few weeks ago. I don’t know how he sleeps at night.
- Chris Jones, via email

Jimmy Carr
It is rumoured that President Robert Mugabe is fighting for his life in a Singapore hospital. Doctors are working around the clock pretending to try and save him.

Ticket to hell
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams, “I’m
not dead! Let me out!” The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucks air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, pal. The paperwork’s already done.”
- D Cole, via text

The Only Way Is Vajazzling
Thanks to The Only Way Is Essex, sales in fake tan have gone up by 89 per cent, fake eyelashes 249 per cent and vajazzles are up by 400 per cent. In other news, book sales are down 800 per cent. “I can’t read, but I’ve got a shiny muff.” When I was younger, kids wanted to go to the Moon, not have a neon minge.
- Russell Howard, Good News

Paying respects
My wife turned to me during her mother’s funeral and hissed, “When we get home later, I’m going to make you pay for this!” For the life of me, I just couldn’t think what I’d done wrong. Maybe it was because I wasn’t sharing my popcorn.
- Stephen Cottey, via text

The Awkwardness of Puberty in 7 Seconds