Jokes Of The Week: Sexy Racoons!
Just tried to log on to Ashley Young’s website, but it redirects to tumblr.com.
- Tony Cowards, stand-up
North Korea’s first space rocket has broken up and crashed into the sea. They have since reported their man on Saturn is doing well.
- Baz, Bristol
I’m not saying my girlfriend’s a slag, but even the label in her knickers says “Next”.
- Chris Cunningham, via text
The Titanic has a lot in common with my missus. It’s been a century since she went down as well!
- Jerry M, Coventry
Women constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship. But we all know the real heroes are us men. We can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm!
- Webb, West Midlands
David Cameron wants pop videos with sexually explicit images to be given an 18 certificate. I agree with him for once. That recent one with Tulisa was far too explicit.
- Frankie Boyle, frankieboyle.com
l Happy giraffes
They can see every man’s bald spot and down every woman’s blouse. That’s why giraffes are always smirking.
- Conan O’Brien, Conan
I was trying to cheer my mate up about his debt problems. “I knew a bloke like you,” I said. “He was £20,000 in debt, parked up at the edge of a cliff and threatened to drive off. A month later, he was back on his feet and doing well.”
“What made him change his mind?” “All his passengers had a whip round and
he got the money!”
- Vito Modica, via email
Shame Abu Hamza is being extradited… will miss hooking up.
- Milton Jones
Three men are in the desert, starving, when they find a camel. The first man says, “We can eat it. Let’s use our football teams to decide which part we each get. I support Hearts, so I’ll eat the heart.” The second man says, “I support Liverpool, so I’ll eat the liver.” The third man says, “I support Arsenal, but I’ve lost my appetite.”
- Mark Peers, Derby
I’m out with the lads from “OCD Anonymous” tonight. Things aren’t gonna get messy.
- Dave, Essex
My daughter recently moved in with her boyfriend. One evening, she called me. “Dad,” she said, hesitantly. “John and I have been together for a while now and, er, we were wondering if you’d come over and, er, baby-proof the flat?”
“Of course, my princess!” I said. So I went round there and cut
off his cock.
- Jamie Morris, via email
Samantha Brick is so beautiful, they’re actually thinking of grafting her face onto the female panda in Edinburgh Zoo, so Yang Guang will finally be able to get it up.
There was this fat girl dancing on a table at the nightclub last night. I walked past and said, “Amazing legs.” She giggled and said with a smile, “Do you really think so?” I replied, “Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
- Conman Fae, Aberdeen
Law of gravity
What goes up must come down. Especially North Korea’s satellite program.
- Yardley85, via email
My girlfriend does this great impression of a Wolves fan in the bedroom. She tuts and groans for 15 minutes, then leaves.
- Jason, Birmingham
Sharing a ride
UK environmentalists have called for more US-style motorway lanes reserved for cars with two or more passengers. Having shared an Escort, Wayne Rooney and Mario Balotelli are said to be fully behind the idea.
- Kevin Simpson, via email