Long range
“I made a new discovery at work today,” I said to my wife with a chuckle. “You’ve worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke’s already wearing thin,” she groaned.
Dicko, via email

Panned
My wife was furious with me the other day. I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
Keysie, Nottingham

Rolling with the Swiss
Jam wrapped in sponge? That’s how the Swiss roll.
Corey Wiz, Leicester

Morning call
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep in.
Barry S, via email

On form
Man United last eight games: WWWWWWWW. Man City last eight games: WWWLWWDD. Arsenal last eight games: WWWWWWWL. Liverpool last eight games: ROFL, LMAO
Paul, St Helens

GENIUS ONE-LINER
I’m here for you Tulisa, and I really respect the way you took it on the chin.
RIK EDWARDS

Hit contract
I went to a mobile phone shop with my wife. While she looked at the phones, I went to see the assistant. “Hi pal,” I said. “My wife’s been nagging me to get her a phone.” “Would you like to take a contract out?” he asked. “Why, do you know a guy?” I whispered.
Nicholas Pinner, Ipswich

Human Centipede
I don’t get the fuss about The Human Centipede. I saw it and it’s mostly tongue-in-cheek.
Keith Wales, via email

Bad atmosphere
Went to a global warming conference the other day. The atmosphere was terrible.
Ash, Birmingham

Like for like
For sale: one litre of petrol. Will accept two first class stamps or a hot Greggs pasty.
Steve Baines, via email

SICK CORNER
My wife is leaving me because of my obsessions with Star Wars and masturbation. I told her: “Whatever. I’m going upstairs for a Hans Solo with my lightsaber.”
Jason Gerard, Bucks

Off target. Again
Reports claim Andy Carroll aimed an f-word insult at Kenny Dalglish. It missed the whole dug-out and ended up in the crowd.
T Ryan, Derby

Biggest stake
I recently bought 51 per cent of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stakeholder.
Jimmy Breen, Barnsley

FOOTBALL-ERINAS

Fools’ gold
You’ve got to love April Fools’ Day: the one day every newspaper in the land tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Thorpey, via Twitter

Talentless
What’s the difference between Britain’s Got Talent and The Voice? Absolutely nothing if you turn your chair around.
Bazza, Reading

Expensive look
I went to the barber and asked for a Liverpool FC haircut: messy at the back, short on the sides and nothing up front. He charged me £130m.
Tony B, Merseyside

Frankie Boyle
“Stamps are to rise by a staggering 30 per cent. Maybe the Post Office should try to appease public anger by at least having the Queen lower her top to expose a nipple?”

Jimmy Carr
“The route around Britain for the Olympic Torch has been announced, finally bringing the secret of fire to Norfolk.”

Cable’s lie-in
How does Vince Cable sleep at night? Not a moral question, he just looks like he has quite a long kip during the day.
@simonblackwell

I will survive
Bear Grylls’ survival show got cancelled last week. Something tells me he’s going to make it through this just fine.
@ConanOBrien

Cell it to me
A lot of sports could learn from MMA; a cage makes everything better. Snooker in a cell! Tennis in a cell! Darts... in a cell!
@jackwhitehall

Egging him on
£250k for lunch with the PM? What’s all the fuss about? He makes an amazing egg sandwich.
@Swannyg66