CHEAP LOOK
My mate has been really depressed lately because he’s gone bald. I said to him: “Look on the bright side, mate – you’ll save an absolute fortune on not having a girlfriend ever again!”
- M KELIS, VIA EMAIL

SNOW JOKE
Snow: the only time four inches ever gets a girl excited.
- JIMMY MORAD, BICESTER

TRUE LOVEBIRD
If a dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.
- D MORRISON, VIA EMAIL

FRANKIE BOYLE
“I don’t even get the day off for the Royal Jubilee. I actually work part-time as an al-Qaeda sniper”

REF JUSTICE
Apparently, Sir Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from referee Howard Webb. It said “Happy Valentine’s Day” on the front.
- WES, VIA EMAIL

PAPER CHASE
Who are the two main demographic groups still regularly buying print newspapers? Over-55s, and kidnappers doing cut-and-paste ransom notes.
- SIMON BLACKWELL, VIA TWITTER

PENALTY TAKER
England should take MP Chris Huhne’s ex-wife to Euro 2012. She’s good at taking penalties.
- FRANNY MAC, VIA TEXT

EXTREME BAGGAGE
A Government warning said anyone travelling in the icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing (including a scarf, hat and gloves), a 24-hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, a torch, a spare battery, a petrol can, a first aid kit and jump leads. I must’ve looked a right tw*t on the bus this morning.
- VITO MODICA, VIA EMAIL

TWEET OF THE WEEK
“Listening to a bit of Adele. She took that break up well, eh?”
- KEVIN BRIDGES @kevinbridges86

ROUTE FINDER
For the first time ever, eBay crashed last night due to the amount of Liverpool fans wanting to buy TomToms to find their way to Wembley.
- JEZ SIMPSON, LANCS



THE MEN IN STRIPES
I was watching the Super Bowl and all I could think was, “Who decided the staff of Footlocker would referee the game?”
- ALLY BURNS, EDINBURGH

POP IDOL
The wife just asked me why I start to sing when I feel the tip of my cock going inside her. “Because I feel like a pop star, love,” I said. “Which one?” she asked. “Just In Beaver,” I replied.
- MATT, VIA EMAIL

DESERVING A MEDAL
I’ve been in heavy training to prepare for the London Olympics. I go to really busy places and get p*ssed off.
- DAVE, LONDON

SIZE DOES MATTER
Katie Price claims she’s been with less than 10 men. Personally, I think she just ran out of fingers to count.
- ALEX, VIA TEXT

GAME ON
A couple run out of money and decide the wife should go on the game. Her husband says, “You stand on the pavement, I’ll wait round the corner.” When a car stops, the wife says, “£100, mate.” The driver replies, “But I’ve only got £20.”

The wife runs to tell her hubby and he says, “Just give him a handjob.” She goes back and tells the bloke what she can offer. He agrees, lays back and pulls out the biggest cock she’s ever seen. The wife says, “Hold on,” runs back to her hubby and asks, “Can you lend him £80?”
- LARRY H, LEAMINGTON

12TH MAN
Chelsea fans wanted to trash Howard Webb’s car after their 3-3 draw with Man United. How daft. Everyone knows he travels on the United bus.
- GREG E, VIA EMAIL

MATT GREEN
“What’s the snow equivalent of ‘pissing down’? Wanking down?”

JACK WHITEHALL
“Watched the trailer for The Grey, where wolves attack Liam Neeson. Do they not know he has a specific set of skills that include wolf punching?”

BOOMERANG EFFECT
The US Government is selling $30bn worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. It’s part of a new initiative called Operation Regret This In Five Years.
- WILLIAM WARES, BRIGHTON

RIGHT TO BUY
You would think after 60 years in the biggest council house in the country, the Queen would have the right to buy with a huge discount or be made to move out for a larger, more deserving family.
- PHIL NEWHAM, WORCESTER

GOING IN CIRCLES
David Beckham was asked, “What are your thoughts on John Terry losing his armband?” Becks replied, “I hope he gets it back or he’ll swim in circles.”
- KENNY WITHERS, BIRMINGHAM

This hilarious David Beckham spoof is for National Chip Week, brought to you by Golden Union. Check out @GoldenUnion for more!