stereo skifcha from xgabberx on Vimeo.

TITS ON TV
In 2044, Jedward will turn 53. But, thanks to Denise Welch, you don’t have to wait until then to see a 
pair of 53-year-old tits on your television.
- DAVE, PERTH

ANTI-MONOPOLY 
ON MONOPOLY
I think more than one company 
should be allowed to sell Monopoly.
- JUDAH FRIEDLANDER, STAND-UP

YESTERDAY’S NEWS
Fernando Torres says that he has been wearing a T-shirt under his Chelsea top and will reveal it when he scores a goal. It says, “Save the Chilean miners!”
- FRAN, VIA TEXT

DOG DAY AFTERNOON
I have a dog with no legs. We call it “Cigarette”, because you have to take it outside for a drag.
- JADWOB84, VIA EMAIL

MARRIED LIFE
If you want to know what it’s like to be married, try making an audio tape of Loose Women. Then play it back at full volume and slightly faster while you try to watch Top Gear.
- JASON ROCKY, LEEDS

GOLDEN OLDIES
On 3 June, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations are set to climax 
with over 1,000 
boats sailing up the Thames. That’s the most seamen an 85-year-old grannie will have seen since Wayne Rooney went for a massage.
- ALEX SHARPLES, MANCHESTER

HAPPY ENDING
I went for a massage and as the masseuse rubbed my shoulders, she asked what my job was. “I’m an actor,” I said. “I’m shooting a film in London.” “Wow!” she smiled. “Are you looking for any extras?” “Yes, a handjob would be great.”
- LOVERSEEDISME, VIA EMAIL

POT LUCK
I’ve just booked the same table for Valentine’s Day as we 
had last year. Hopefully, 
she’ll pot more than two balls this time around.
- DARREN P, PETERBOROUGH



THE GOOD OL’ DAYS
My wife asked me to show her a good time. So I showed her some photos of me and my pals before we got married. - STEVE, HULL

GRAND SLAM COVERAGE
I’ve been trying to watch the BBC’s coverage of Novak Djokovic’s girlfriend, but the bastards keep interrupting it by showing tennis.

- BIG BERTIE, BASILDON, 
VIA EMAIL

DRAGON SLAYER
I turned up on Dragons’ Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword. They looked as confused as me.
- JOHNNY MARTIN, CORNWALL

THE ASDA VICE
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits the man a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad,” says the man. “I’ve given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to have sex with her right there.” “We don’t like that in Heaven,” replies God. “They’re not too bloody happy about it in Asda either!” says the man.
- KIERAN McCARTNEY, GLASGOW

SCARY KEEPER
I have seen Dracula react better to crosses than David 
de Gea.
- ALFIE, TORQUAY

HARD TIMES
Andy Murray has failed a drugs test after traces of Viagra were found in his system. He said he was taking it to help him get past a semi.
- NEIL RENTON, EDINBURGH

 “A recent survey revealed half of all Scots know a junkie, while the other half have no contact with their father at all” - FRANKIE BOYLE

“They’re going to ban smoking in private vehicles. That’s left smokers fuming. But not in their cars”
- JIMMY CARR

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looked good. Which explains why, last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One”
- JIMMY FALLON

THE HOOF OF THE MATTER
 At Luis Suarez’ birthday party last night, they had to abandon pin the tail on the donkey. Andy Carroll was losing too much blood.
- MARK OLDEN, LONDON