HORSING AROUND
After years in the film industry, Sarah Jessica Parker should definitely be up for an Oscar in 2012. She blew me away with her lead role in War Horse.
- ALEX BIRD, BRAINTREE

IRAN ONLINE
Iran just announced plans to restrict web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world – or, as it’s also known, AOL.
- JIMMY FALLON, LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON

BROTHERLY LOVE
Natasha Giggs said 
her ideal Big Brother housemate would be Liam Gallagher. Presumably so she can get closer to Noel.
- TOMMY P, VIA TEXT

AUSTERITY MEASURES
We’re so skint after Christmas that I’ve had to get my wife to sell one 
of her kidneys. If things get any worse 
I might have to cancel Sky Sports.
- GORDON LOVATT, NEW MILTON

MOVING DAY
I asked a pretty homeless girl if I could take her home. She said “Yes” with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
- ROBBO, AYR

THIRD PARTY INTERFERENCE
My ex-missus is spreading rumours I’m schizophrenic. Well, three can play at that game. 
- JOHN, WALSALL

TWEET OF THE WEEK
“On the way home I just saw an urban fox. I’m assuming 
it was urban. It might have been a rural fox on holiday” - MATT GREEN @mattgreencomedy



EXPENSIVE DEFENCE
Barack Obama has announced US Defence spending will be cut to $660bn a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world. That honour now goes to Manchester City.
- SEMI MARTIN, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE

PSG HAVE A HUNCH
Paris Saint- 
Germain are hopeful they can land Carlos Tevez from Manchester City 
by offering him a lucrative deal and the chance to play a lot closer to his home, the Notre Dame Cathedral.
- JEZ SIMPSON, LANCASHIRE

BABY SONG
With the birth of baby Blue Ivy Carter, Beyoncé has a new song to help Jay-Z remember some important childcare rules: “If you feed it, then you better put a bib on it.”
- RIORDAN EDMUNDS, VIA EMAIL

STATUESQUE
Apparently, Thierry Henry is the only current player to have a statue of himself outside a stadium. Er, what about the one of Nani outside Fulham’s ground?
- MELON, NORTH LONDON

WAITING FOR THE DOC
Dr Dre last brought out an album in 1999. With a waiting time like that, he could work for the NHS.
- NEIL RENTON, EDINBURGH

TEETH WHITENING
The British Government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.
- CONAN O’BRIEN, CONAN

REF’S HANDBOOK
I bought the UK edition of the Fifa Handbook For Referees, but I can’t understand a word of it. Then again, it’s written in braille.
- 
ADAM MORRISON, VIA EMAIL

A WORLD OF FUN
They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. Then he did a couple of knob gags and really started nailing it.
- GARY DELANEY, STAND-UP

AT THE RACES
My missus and kids are going to leave me because I’m obsessed with horse racing. “And they’re off!”
- MATT McD

BELFAST FITTING RESPONSE
After I found out my tailor had been sleeping with my wife, 
I screamed, “I don’t ever want to see you again!” He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
- SANTON, TROWBRIDGE

I’M NOT WORTH IT
L’Oreal was about to announce a huge men’s hair products deal with Liverpool’s £35m striker Andy Carroll. Unfortunately the deal has fallen through because he couldn’t stop laughing when he tried to say, “Because I’m worth it.”
- ALLY KIRKWOOD, GLASGOW