Jokes: Weirdest YouTube Video Ever?
My wife came downstairs after her shower and said to me, “I’ve just shaved my pussy. You know what that means, don’t you?” I looked up and said, “Yeah, the plughole’s blocked.”
- JADWOB84, VIA EMAIL
What do a pregnant woman, frozen beer and burned pizza have in common? In all cases, there’s a man who forgot to take it out quickly enough.
- CHESTER P, LONDON
DRIVE ME CRAZY
My mate rang me and asked, “What are you doing at the moment?” I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”
- JAY, VIA EMAIL
SAMARITANS HELPLINE I had a part-time job at the Samaritans. One day I phoned in sick and the bastards talked me out of it.
- LOU, ISLE OF MAN
I’ve just seen the new demo for FIFA 12. It isn’t very realistic – Manchester City’s stadium is full.
- MATTY, VIA TEXT
AMERICA’S MOST WANTED
On the 10th anniversary of 9/11, the National Dyslexic Association are proud to support America’s War On Trevor.
- JASON LEADDER, PEMBROKE
ROLLING ON THE BONNET
I looked out of the window and saw Adele crawling all over my car bonnet. My fault really – I shouldn’t have mentioned I had a chip on my windscreen.
- WES CHAMP, SOUTHEND
Following the news that Simon Cowell once had a threesome with two women, the porno industry has immediately started filming a spoof. They’re calling it Two Girls, One C**t.
- LAWRENCE HARMAN, VIA EMAIL
What’s with all this vajazzle stuff? In my day, a tw*t covered in jewellery was called Mr T.
- MATT, VIA EMAIL
People go on about how great the 100m is. “So and so can run the 100m in under 10 seconds.” I can have sex in under 10 seconds. Where’s my medal? All I get is tuts and disappointment.
- CHRIS ADDISON, MOCK THE WEEK
SAD STORY FACTOR
There should be a TV show where people have to pass a round of singing before competing to see who has the most tragic back story.
- DILLY, VIA TEXT
It’s been announced Audley Harrison is set to take part in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. I’ve got a tenner on him being knocked out in the first round.
- TONY B, ASTON CLINTON
The SAS have deployed Jedward to Libya on their most extreme mission yet: “Take Gaddafi out.” So far he’s been to Burger King, the cinema and 10-pin bowling.
- ROB EMSLIE, NEW MILTON
- GAZ, LINCS
BEANS MEANS HAPPINESS
To any French people who might be in the audience tonight: OK, our food might not be as nice as yours. But you lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14-year-old boy, thinking you’re only having beans on toast and then going, “Ooh, hello. There’s little sausages in there.”
- LEE MACK, STAND- UP
I’ve got a Bag For Life – I married her.
- VIC REEVES, SHOOTING STARS
THREE HARD MICE
Three mice are sitting in a pub having a beer. The first mouse says, “I’m so hard I take the cheese off the mouse trap, eat it, then bench press the trap!” The second mouse says, “That’s nothing! I crush rat poison and snort it!” With that, the third mouse downs his beer, stands up and starts to walk out. “Where are you going?” ask the other two mice. “Home,” he replies. “To shag the cat.”
- ALAN WATSON, HULL
ALL IN THE TITLE
A man goes into his local bookshop. He approaches the desk and says in a hushed voice, “I’d like to buy that book about coping with a small penis, please.” The bookseller looks up at the man and replies, “It’s not in yet,” and the man says, “Yeah, that’s the one!”
- MIKEY, LEEDS
A girl came up to me in a club and said, “I haven’t had a cock for nearly two weeks now.” I asked her back to mine and as we got undressed, I saw she still had scars from the operation.
- JAMES, BATH
PRIDE OF PRESTON
I was lost in Preston and told to follow the signs for the Tourist Office. That’s the most optimistic sign in the world! The Tourist Office in Preston – a man in a shed going “Blackpool’s that way”.
- JOHN BISHOP, JOHN BISHOP’S BRITAIN
The Rugby World Cup: loads of posh, middle-class men watching some fella kick a ball over a bar. A bit like Chelsea when Torres is playing.
- RAZOR RAY, VIA EMAIL
Life On Board A Warship!
We climb aboard HMS Liverpool to see what life is like at sea during battle!