Jokes: Grandma's Revenge!
EUR HAVING A LAUGH
What’s the difference between Liverpool, Manchester City and Ice Road Truckers? Ice Road Truckers is still on Five on Thursday nights.
- Colin Roberts, Via Email
THROUGH THE ROOF
£215bn to repair Japan? Bit insensitive giving them a quote this early
- Kevin Bridges
THAT'S GADDA HURT
It’s one humiliation after another for Colonel Gaddafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French.
My missus says she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through watching it. Strangely,
I have a similar system.
- Gooch, via text
We’ve launched Operation Odyssey Dawn. Let’s break it down: 'Odyssey' is a long and dangerous journey and 'Dawn' is the very beginning of something. So we’re at the very beginning of a long and dangerous journey. Great! They couldn’t have picked a less reassuring name if they’d called it Operation Eternity F**k.
- Charlie Brooker
Bill tells Bob he’s thinking of buying a labrador puppy. 'Don’t do it!' shouts Bob. 'Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?'
- Mark, Davyhulme
A boy goes to the bookies with his granddad and asks if he can place a bet. 'If you can touch your arse with your dick then you can have a bet,' says the granddad. 'I can’t do that,' says the boy. 'Well, you’re not old enough then,' the granddad replies. The boy goes next door, buys a scratch card and wins £50k. He tells his granddad, who suggests they split the winnings. “Can you touch your arse with your dick?” asks the boy. 'Yes!' shouts the granddad. 'OK, then,' says the boy. 'Go f**k yourself.'
A woman gives birth to twins and names them Ronaldo and Messi. One day, her friend asks her how she’s able to tell the difference between the two. 'Easy,' replies the woman. 'Every time I call for Messi, Ronaldo sh*ts himself.'
-Aaron, Via Text
The Only Way Is Essex has brought vajazzling to the mainstream, but a man with a vajazzle is a weird thing. Putting jewels on your scrotum is not going to work. Turn it upside down and it looks like Gordon Ramsay in a tiara.
- Jack Whitehall
THREE’S A CROWD
A survey this week says that only one third of the people that live in this country believe in God. That’s why I think it’s quite easy to get casual sex in the UK – but almost impossible to get a threesome.
- Frank Skinner
Wouldn’t it be good if the Office for National Statistics was run by a load of psychics? Then, they wouldn’t need to send out stupid questionnaires because they’d just be able to Census.
- Jez Cleethorpes
I was totally hammered at a party last night when I walked up to this girl and said, “Duck my sick!”
She said to me, “You idiot, you’re drunk! Don’t you mean ‘Suck my dick’?”
I replied, “Nope”… and then threw up all over her.
- Mincy, Via Text