Jokes Of The Week: Crazy Robot Film!
A husband and wife are shopping at Tesco. He puts a box of Stella in the trolley.
'What do you think you’re doing?' asks the wife.
'It’s on offer – £10 for 24 cans,' replies the husband.
'Put them back, we can’t afford it,' says the wife. A few aisles on, the wife picks up a £20 pot of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
'What do you think you’re doing?' asks the husband.
'It makes my face look beautiful,' she says.
'So does 24 cans of Stella and it’s half the f**king price!'
- SPIRO, VIA EMAIL
If the Beckhams have a girl, they should call her Saffron. Then they’d have another posh spice.
- ADAM MOORE, VIA EMAIL
GET A WHIFF OF THAT
Two Essex girls pick up a perfume sample from a counter.
'That’s nice. What is it?' asks Tracy.
'Viens A Moi,' replies Sharon.
'What does that mean?' asks Tracy.
The assistant says, 'It’s French for ‘Come To Me’.'
Tracy sniffs it again and says, 'That doesn’t smell like cum to me.'
- GARETH M, FALKIRK
This January sale lark is doing my head in. I went to Boots and it didn’t sell boots. I went to Currys and it didn’t sell curry. I went to Selfridges and it didn’t sell fridges. And that Virgin Megastore, well, what a let-down that was.
- COLIN J, VIA EMAIL
After moving into a new rental, I had to call the landlord when I saw an old bloke on a tractor drive past shouting, 'The end of the world is upon us.' The landlord said, 'That sounds like Farmer Geddon.'
- PHIL, VIA TEXT
Last week, a girl from my past rang. It had been years since our affair, but I’ve never forgotten the amazing sex and good times we had together. I explained I wasn’t the man I was, having gained a beer belly, a bald patch and a bowel problem. She giggled and said she’d put on a few pounds, too. So I told her to forget it.
- PADDY TEAR, GRIMSBY
Do you know why those 'Bags For Life' last so long? It’s because you never bloody use them. Every time I get to
the checkout at the supermarket I’m like, 'Oh bugger, I’ve forgotten my Bag For Life again.'
- SEAN LOCK, STAND-UP
PEN IN THE ARSE
An exhausted nurse walks into a bank following a 20-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she unknowingly pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and attempts to write with it. Upon realising, she says, 'Well that’s just great! Some arsehole’s got my pen.
- GAVIN GRAY, VIA TEXT
Nicole Kidman has admitted to having Botox. She revealed it to a showbiz insider. Well, she actually revealed it to a bear who was on his way back after having a sh*t in the woods.
- ALAN CARR, CHATTY MAN