Jokes Of The Week: ZOO Man
FHM Stand-Up Hero finished on Tuesday. And the man above - Josh Widdicombe won! So here's some of the best gags from the final show!
'Are you able to look at a bearded man without, for a split-second, thinking he’s a sex offender?'
'It’s the same if you see someone with an eye patch – you think they’re a pirate. Or if you see someone with an iPhone, you think they’re a w*nker.'
- HENRY GINSBERG
'I’m scared of teenagers. One stood up to me the other day and, at that precise moment, I felt like a prostitute with issues. All I wanted was a hug but, deep down, I knew I was going to get f**ked.'
'My two best friends were having an argument. One said, ‘Your mum is so lanky, she did a cartwheel and kicked God in the chin.’ 'The other said, ‘Oh yeah, your mum is so ugly, even Cillit wouldn’t bang her.’ It was hilarious, even more so because they’re twins.'
- NATHAN CATON
'When I was a little boy, I used to think that earwigs lived in your ears. I was terrified of cockroaches.'
- LIAM MULLONE
'When you’ve been burgled, everyone says, ‘The worst thing about being burgled is knowing a stranger has been through your things.’ No it’s not. The worst thing about being burgled is that a stranger has my things. If he had just been browsing, I wouldn’t have given a sh*t.'
'A narrow boat is so sh*t, its main selling point is that it’s narrow. Surely no one cares about the width of a boat. It’s either narrow enough to fit in a river – that is a boat. Or it is too wide – that is a bridge.'
- WINNER: JOSH WIDDICOMBE
'If you’re lucky enough to find a good person, treat that person like a fine wine. Lock them in the cellar.'
- ADAM CROW
AND THE BEST OF ZOO'S JOKE PAGES:
My wife asked me to go out shopping for something that made her look sexy. You should have seen her face when I came back with 12 cans of lager.
- IAIN GREARSON, SLOUGH
CHOCS AND ROBBERS
I just arrived home to find all the doors and windows open. Everything has gone. What kind of thoughtless idiot does that to someone’s advent calendar?
- ALI, VIA TEXT ROLL OUT THE BARREL
The English couple held to ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD detailing their horrific ordeal. It costs £19.99.
That’s a bit expensive, so I’ll just wait and buy the pirate copy.
- LUKE, MILTON KEYNES
Dan is sat in his local pub, when he looks into his pint and sighs heavily. 'What’s up, Dan?' asks the landlord.
'It’s my son,' replies Dan. 'The little git has got our next-door neighbour pregnant.' 'Well I never, that’s impossible,' says the landlord. 'It’s not,' says Dan. 'He stuck a pin in all my condoms.'
- GARRY HOUGHTON, ASHTON
A mate recently asked me what it was like doing this job [as a comedian] compared to my old job. The only way I can describe it is like having oral sex with a girl who’s got big teeth. It can be brilliant but you know, at any given moment, it can all go horribly wrong.
- JOHN BISHOP, LIVE AT THE APOLLO
Why do they always have Christmas at this time of year when the shops are so busy?
- CHRISTOPHER DORE, SANDOWN
I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked, 'Will you be putting this up yourself?' I replied, 'No, you sick pervert! It’s going in the living room.'
- ROB SUTTON, ABERYSTWYTH
A bra walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer. The barman says, 'I’m not serving you. You’re off your tits.'
- JASON EDWARDS, VIA EMAIL
AND FINALLY WE HAVE A VIDEO OF ZOO MAN PREDICTING THIS WEEKEND"S FOOTY FIXTURES WITH CORAL BOOKMAKERS!
Life On Board A Warship!
We climb aboard HMS Liverpool to see what life is like at sea during battle!