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Jokes Of Week: The Laughing Soldier

Jokes From The Laughing Soldier: Available Here For £6.99

This book aims to lift armed force's spirits, with the profits from the book are going to PROJECT 65 - The Veteran Charity.

Ten Para Discount
Ten Paras turn up at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says, 'Sorry guys, only enough room for three, sort it out between yourselves who’s coming in.' St Peter heads for the NAAFI.
Shortly after, Angel Gabriel phones him and says, 'They’ve gone Peter.'
'What, all ten of them?' 'No, the fuckin’ gates!'

Big Swing
A woman was taking golf lessons, and she had started her first round when she was stung by a bee.
She went back into the clubhouse for help. Her golf teacher asked why she was back in so early, so she told him of the bee sting...
'Where did it sting you?' he asked.
'Between the 1st and 2nd hole.'
He shook his head and said, “Then
you had your feet too far apart!”
- John Marable, Ex Army Sgt of 22 years

Red Herring?
I started reading Harry Potter but I think it’s a bit far-fetched. I can buy into the fact that magic exists, and that there could be such things as unicorns and wizards . . . but a ginger bloke with two mates – No fucking way!

Little Man Syndrome
A woman bursts into her boss’s office and demands that he investigate a colleague for sexual harassment.
'OK, calm down and tell me what happened.' says her boss.
'James said that my hair smelled nice!' she shrieks.
'Well I don’t see what’s so wrong with that!' says the now confused boss.
'Sir,' replies the woman, now in tears, 'James is a midget!'
- Dave 'Jonno' Johnson, Ex RN

An Axe To Grind
Private X is called in to the platoon sergeant’s office, where he is given a brown A4 envelope and an Army-issue fire axe by the sergeant.
The private is told to report to CSM HQ Coy, deliver the envelope and axe and await a reply.
Private X marches smartly off and arrives at CSM’s office, knocks, enters and stands to attention in front of the desk.
CSM looks up and Private X delivers the envelope, whilst maintaining a proper grip on the fire axe.
CSM opens the envelope and finds a sheet of A4 paper with this written on it . . .
'GIVE ME THE DAY OFF – OR I’LL CHOP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF WITH THIS AXE, YOU FAT BASTARD.'

And here's the rest...

 

PUMP SLUMP
Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station. Don’t know why, I just started filling up.
- ADI, VIA TEXT

TALKING MUSH
This bloke at work wouldn’t stop going on about Super Mario Brothers, so I told him to go and get a life. He came back 10 minutes later with a green mushroom. The b*stard got 1-Up on me.
- STEVE, VIA TEXT

HIGH BELL
I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were furious.
- JON, MANSFIELD

JACK SH*T
I was trying to work out roughly how long it would take to watch the last series of 24 on DVD. In the end, I had to call it a day.
- STEPHEN HOLFORD, VIA TEXT



COST A LOT
To anyone reading, I need a bit of advice. I’ve been offered a couple of venison steaks for £40. Is that two deer?
- JAY FOX, VIA TEXT

ARTY FARTY
A woman walks into a jewellers where she spots a glistening diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look, a little fart slips out. Hoping no one noticed she asks the jeweller, 'How much is that ring?'
The jeweller says, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’ll sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'
- COLIN ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL

OVER AGE
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, 'Stella please, mate.' He asked, 'Are you 18?' I said, 'No.' He said, 'I can’t serve you then.' As I walked out, I thought to myself, 'This is the fourth pub I’ve been into tonight without getting served. What does a 22-year-old have to do to get a pint round here?'
- TOM LEVER, VIA EMAIL

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