Jokes Of The Week: Swingers!
KING OF THE SWINGERS
Tiger Woods is like a public schoolboy who visits a brothel. One minute he's with mistresses, the next he's back with the masters.
JASE, VIA TEXT
Have you seen Gordon Brown smile? A smile doesn't belong on his face, it's like seeing Marilyn Manson on a bouncy castle.
RUSSELL HOWARD'S GOOD NEWS
A blonde goes in to PC World looking for curtains for their PC, the assistant says, "You don't need curtains for a computer." The blonde goes, "Heellooo, it's got windows."
HAYLEY WILLIAMS, CARDIFF
PULLING THE SHORT STRAW
Saw a scarecrow trying to masterbate, poor sod was clutching at straws!
ROB ADAIR, SOUTH SHIELDS
"I've started shopping at this new Irish shop called Dunnes Stores. Its pretty cost effective; somewhere between Primark and shoplifting"
JOBS FOR GIRLS
Women should be like golf caddies. Either holding your balls or getting your f*cking tee ready!
SPENCER REED, LONDON
Britain going to the poles on the 6th May - makes a change from them coming over here.
TOM LIPPIET, VIA TEXT
My GP told me to do something a couple of times a week that gets me slightly out of breath. So I started smoking again.
JO BRAND, STAND-UP
ASHES TO ASHES
Young Jack is absent from school one day. On his return, his teacher asks, "What was wrong with you yesterday Jack?"
"My daddy got burnt miss," says Jack. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "That's a shame, Jack, was he badly burnt"?
Jack looks at her and replies, "Well they don't f**k about at the crematorium miss."
TOM FIELDS, VIA EMAIL
JACKO NO SHOW
It's great to be in the O2 tonight, a venue twinned with Lisa Marie Pressley's vagina - two places that Michael Jackson announced to the world he was going to perform in and never made it to either.
PATRICK KIELTY, CHANNEL 4 COMEDY GALA
UNWANTED SEASON TICKETS
I just drove past Anfield and saw nine season tickets nailed to the gates. I thought I'm having them. You can never have enough nails!
COLIN ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL
ON YER BIKE
I've just started cycling and drivers pretend they don't see you. I've got a red helmet on, orange jacket and yellow trousers, what do you think is cutting you up, a f**king Solero?
ALAN CARR, CHANNEL 4 COMEDY GALA
"Questions on Mastermind are getting very difficult. Other day I actually shouted out 'Henry VIII!' and the answer was Nitrogen"
CREDIT WHERE ITS DUE
How come every time my wife gets pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say, "Congratulations!" But nobody rubs my dick and says, "Good Job"?
JONAH GRAHAM, VIA EMAIL
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
DIANNE ANNETT, CO DOWN
THE BIN LADEN ANTHOLOGY
Osama Bin Laden has released some new audiotapes and people are saying they don't think it's him because they think he's dead. I don't think he's dead, I think we'll know when he's dead because Al Queada will release all his videos as a box set.
ANDY PARSONS, STAND-UP
A fella who claimed to be a Jedi knight was thrown out of the job centre for wearing a hood. What's a Jedi doing in the job centre - that's a full time occupation?
JASON MANFORD, COMEDY ROCKS
The other day I woke up with my cat on my face, its ginger. I thought I'd gone down on Ann Robinson.
RUSSELL HOWARD'S GOOD NEWS
OLD FAMILY PHOTOS
I was shocked when I came across some old photos of my mum in the attic today. I don't even know why I was up there wanking.
WILL G, VIA TEXT
My wife and I went shopping to Tesco's and as we were leaving, her bag ripped open showering the contents all over the floor. I would have helped, but not when it's her catheter.
DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"
"No, I never found her head."
RICHARD ENGLAND, VIA EMAIL
I always find that the biggest turn off for a girl having sex is me looking through the window with my night vision goggles.
TERRY PELL, PETERBROUGH
My favourite chat up line is, "Does this rag smell of chlorophene to you?"
JIMMY CARR, STAND-UP
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