Jokes Of The Week: Recipe For Love!
RECIPE FOR LOVE
Why is Jamie Oliver's wife like a microwave Dinner?
Because they both need a prick with a fork.
MARTY MART, LONDON
Simon Cowell is getting married to a girl. When Danni Minogue heard she was shocked... or surprised, or happy, nobody can tell.
JASON MANFORD, COMEDY ROCKS
I placed some speakers 1.6km from home and had a wank into a microphone. You could hear me coming a mile away.
KEV, VIA EMAIL
JLS condoms, what next? Robert Pattinson on tampons. Celebrity condoms are a nightmare, I tried the Luke Skywalker one and it was rubbish - my knob went green and I tried to shag my sister.
RUSSELL HOWARD'S GOOD NEWS
Woman answers the phone and pervert on the other end says, "Have you got a big fat hairy sweaty c**t?" Woman replies, "Aye he's lying on the couch, do you want him?"
ANGELA BOYLE, GLASGOW
"What were the crimes of the Fun Lovin' Criminals? My guess is they were of a grisly sexual nature."
They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. So Toyota is blaming Klingons now.
JAY LENO, THE TONIGHT SHOW
CARING IS SHARING
My girlfriend called me a selfish wanker last night, so I've been in to the sperm donors this morning.
JAN PETER, DERBY
I got pulled over by the police last night. They asked me where I was between six and 11. So I told them I was in junior school.
JEZ SIMPSON, VIA TEXT
Started my new job in a record shop in Liverpool yesterday. A local lad came in and asked me if we had anything by The Doors. "Yes," I said, "Two security guards so don't even think about it you thieving Scouse git!"
COLIN ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL
"TV debates are so boring, why can't the party leaders just do Come Dine With Me instead"
If love is blind... why can I still see my wife?
JASE, VIA TEXT
GETTING SOME HEAD
Me and the missus had an argument the other night. She asked me why I would rather drink beer than spend any time with her, to which I replied, "Because I get more head from one can of beer than I do from you in a year."
Hope you've all got your phones switched off. I don't, I've got special dispensation because I'm expecting a text from Tiger Woods any minute.
JO BRAND, STAND-UP
FIGHT AGAINST TERROR
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that would-be bombers know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise.
ROB ADAIR, SOUTH SHIELDS
Three men are boasting to each other in the Pub. The first man says, "After I've f**ked my wife she feels like she's floating on air!" Second man says, "After I've f**ked my wife she feels like she's two feet in the air!" Third man says, "After I've f**ked my wife I wipe my cock on the curtains and she goes through the f**king roof!"
DAVE WARD, VIA EMAIL
An Indian man has claimed a new world record for having 12 fingers and 14 toes. He says he just wants to go somewhere he'll be treated as a regular person... so he's bought a home in Norfolk.
Predictive text is a female invention because it's another thing that knows what you're going to say before you've already said it.
JOHN BISHOP, COMEDY ROCKS
EATING YOUR GREENS... AND PINKS
Why are Brussels sprouts and pubic hairs alike?
You push them both aside and carry on eating.
LOUISE BOWIE, BRIGHTON
KNICKERS IN A TWIST
Little gypsy girl opens caravan door and shouts, " Oi maa, which way do me knickers go again?" Her mum shouts back, "How many more times, yellow to the front, brown to the back!"
THE REAL COST OF STELLA
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of
Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman
says, "Twelve pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint is
ALAN L, RENFREW
Professor Stephen Hawking has stated that he has no plans to retire from Cambridge University until he reaches the age of 70. A spokesman for Dunlop recommends he re-tyres at least every two years or 5,000 miles.
BEN DEVON, NOTTINGHAM
Two OAP's are enjoying oral sex together. The old man says, "I can't stay down here for too long it stinks." The old lady replies, "Sorry it's my arthritis." The man replies, "Arthritis in your Fanny?" "No!" says the old lady, "The arthritis is in my shoulder, I can't wipe my arse!"
ROB ADAIR, SOUTH SHIELDS
Life On Board A Warship!
We climb aboard HMS Liverpool to see what life is like at sea during battle!