Working With Fiddy And Rio
My new film’s out this week, Dead Man Running. The script has been around for ages. Tamer [Hassan] brought it to me three years ago and I liked it, but he didn’t have any money behind it. It was a long shot at the time: he was talking about getting Ray Winstone for the lead role that he ended up playing himself, but Ray couldn’t do it.

In the end, Tamer just called up Rio Ferdinand, who he’s known for years, and asked if he wanted to invest in a movie, and he was well up for it. That’s when he said he thought we might be able to get 50 Cent on board, too.

It’s a good little film. There will be critics out there who hate me that are going to slate it for not being all that original, but it’s a caper – a good 90 minutes of entertainment. And it shows off London, which I’m always proud of.
I’d advise anyone who likes my films to go and watch it, because it’s up there with the best I’ve done.

Fresh Prince of Albert Square
Will Smith has said he wants to be in EastEnders. Unbelievable. If he’s looking for a part, they should make him the stud who comes round to service Pat. That will soon change his mind. If I ever actually see him on that show, I’ll eat my left bollock.

That beach ball goal against Liverpool was unbelievable. It’s the kid who threw it I feel sorry for – he’ll get abuse wherever he goes. The Scousers are bang in trouble. Here’s the fact: without Torres and Gerrard, they’re fucked. Simple as.

On the Button
I’ve got to say congratulations to Jenson Button. I can’t knock any Englishman with a lifestyle like that. I’m not a big Formula 1 fan, but I love the idea of a playboy earning shitloads for driving a motor – that’s a man’s game. Lewis Hamilton seems a bit of a straight-goer, but not Jenson…

Stop. Eating.
So, the world’s fattest man lives in Ipswich. Seventy stone? I feel sorry for him, but basically, he’s a greedy c**t. Stop fucking eating! Can you imagine what his shit must be like? Poor bastard must need a skip for it. He can’t have seen his cock in years…

Xtra work

The X Factor producers must have heard I’m a fan – it looks like I’m going on The Xtra Factor in a few weeks. It’s a night out for my girls more than anything. I’ve just got to whore myself out and do an interview. I’m rooting for Stacey. Dozy as arseholes, but she seems like a lovely girl.