FEMALE FURNITURE
Ikea is now selling lesbian beds. No need to screw, just tongue in groove.
Chris, Dunstable

CONFUSED CONSULTATION
I recently registered with a new doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing  “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about the comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He replied, “Do you smoke or drink alcohol?”
“No,” I said. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing football, golf or  rugby?” he continued.  
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Do you gamble, ride motorbikes or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said.
“Then, why do you even give a shit?”
Gaz, Gretna

CAR TROUBLE
Walking to work this morning, I passed a bloke in an RAC van. He was sobbing uncontrollably and looked  thoroughly miserable.I thought to myself, “That man’s heading for a breakdown.”
Ben Rees, via email

GENEROUS OFFER
In the divorce court, the judge speaks: “Mr Clark, I’ve decided to give your wife £775 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honour. Sometimes, I’ll send her a few quid myself,” he says.
Aido, Berkshire

A LITTLE LIAR
One morning, a woman walks out of her door and notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says.
“I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”
So the goblin replies, “OK, you got me. What’s your first wish?”
The woman stops and thinks for a second.
“I want a huge mansion to live in.”
The goblin replies, “It’s yours. What else?”
The woman again thinks it over. “My second wish is to have a Mercedes.”
“OK, you’ve got that, too.”
“My last wish is a million pounds.”
The goblin then says, “OK, you’ve got it. But to make all your wishes come true, you have to have sex all night with me.”
“OK then, if that’s what it takes,” says the woman.
The next morning, the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?”
“I’m 27,” she replies.
“Fuck me,” says the man. “Twenty-seven and you still believe in goblins?”
Carlo, Bedford

Beach Balls
What’s round, bouncy and scores goals for Sunderland? Andy Reid.
Steve Banbridge, Stoke

IMPRESSIVE INSECT
A family are driving behind a dustbin van when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
To spare her young son’s innocence, the mum turns and says, “Don’t worry, that was just an insect.”
To which her son replies, “I’m surprised it got off the ground with a cock that big.”
Toby, Hereford

NO REFUNDS
An elderly man joins a nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and wanders around.
A gorgeous blonde walks by and the man gets an erection. The woman notices, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”
The man replies, “No, what
on Earth do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here – let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the pool, lies down, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out from the steam towards him. Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.
“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.
“You must be new,” he says. “It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies you called for me.”
The hairy man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he’s greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 joining fee.”
“But sir,” she says, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had a chance to see all
of our facilities.”
The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 88. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.”
Zac bishop, via email

FUMBLING IN THE DARK
A man and a woman start having sex in a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”
The woman replies, “Me too, because you’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”
James, Sunderland

CLEAR OUT
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Brenda, pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery!”
Brenda replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“I don’t care,” says the man. “Just as long as you’re out of the house by noon.”
Alex, via email

“I like that James Corden. I love fat people”
Life’s swell for X Factor’s Stacey Solomon

“I love breasts – I love the way they feel, their warmth, what they stand for”
Gok Wan loves boobs. Just not in a way most men do

“I’m in my dressing room, listening to the Osmonds on my iPod, when Dizzee calls. Head may explode”
Wossy Tweets about the weird world of showbiz

“I like Lady GaGa. She’ll be the new Madonna if she doesn’t slag it up too much”
Robbie Williams’ loose prediction

“Until I’ve been sat in the chair and had my hair and make-up done, I feel like a minger. I’m sick of the sight of myself”
Cheryl Cole is obviously seeing something we’re not

“A journalist once said to me: ‘You have the most amazing set of horrible-looking false teeth.’
I said: ‘No, they are my own’”
Ricky Gervais just has to grin and bear the critics

Bed-Hidden
Police in Ipswich have today confirmed the discovery of yet another dead prostitute.
The body was found following the removal of Paul Mason, the World’s Fattest Man, from his bed.
Jase, via email

BARBER’S BALLS
A man enters a barbers for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has with getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small, wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “What if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”
Giffo, via email

PLASTIC PERIOD
How do you know when Barbie has her period?
All your Tic Tacks are gone.
CJ, via email