FANS… OR RAVING LUNATICS?
Can’t believe Leona Lewis got smacked in the face at a book signing. The bloke queued for five hours to do it, so he must be fucking mental.

I’ve never had a proper run-in with someone like that, but it does worry me that you can get fans who are raving lunatics – the ones that get obsessed with you and start following you everywhere. I do have some weird fuckers who will wait outside the theatre for me every night. It’s a strange thing because you can’t disrespect your fans – they’ve put you where you are. But John Lennon had one who was so crazy, he killed him, for fuck’s sake.

Poor Leona. She’s like a timid, quiet little mouse. She wouldn’t want to upset anyone – the girl’s all about peace to all nations – so why someone would want to smack her in the mouth, I have no idea. She didn’t deserve that. The bloke needs to be banged up for a long time, but how much bird is he going to do for one punch?

MOODY MINI-ME
It seems that I’ve pissed off Verne Troyer with what I said last week about him gawping at my missus and me calling him a midget. So, Big Verne… I do apologise about using the “m” word, but if you’re going to stare at the mother of my children’s tits all night, you have to expect repercussions. And me using the “m” word is you getting off very fucking lightly…

Rio Ferdinand’s getting a lot of stick. I like Rio – I’ve just worked with him on his film. Maybe that’s the problem: the movie’s out this month, he’s put a lot of work into it and he’s got a lot on his plate. But you can’t start digging him out – he’s a top player.

BARNSEY: C-RAP
New Order could be re-doing World In Motion for the World Cup next year – and John Barnes might do the rap again. Bless him. What are they going to do: put a cap on him back to front and a medallion around his neck? Just bring Dizzee Rascal in – he’ll smash it up and embarrass the current players by having them mince about to it.

WANTING WINO
Amy Winehouse has had a boob job, but I can’t figure it out. She’s a funny one: weird looking, but sort of sexy. She speaks her mind, she’s quite mysterious and I like her don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. The main thing is she can back it up with her talent. So, would I? Yeah, probably. There’s nothing sexier than talent.