HOME FROM HOME
Where will the England cricket team be staying during their tour of South Africa this winter?
At their parents’ house.
ALEX LEWIS-SMITH, VIA EMAIL

SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS
What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, but I’ll never know why.
JACK GUTTMAN, DORSET

DRINK DRIVING
You are driving at a constant speed. On your left is a sheer vertical drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig, the same size as your car so you cannot overtake it. Behind is a helicopter flying at ground level, also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round, you pissed up tw*t.
OLLIE MacMILLAN, NEWCASTLE

THE BARBER’S TOO BUSY
A guy sticks his head into a barber’s shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut, mate?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and replies, “About two hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at the shop and says, “About three hours.” Again, the guy leaves.
Another week goes by, and the same fella sticks his head in the shop again and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour.” Once more, the guy turns and leaves.
Mystified by this, the barber turns to a friend and says, “Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back for one.”  
A little while later, Bill returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.  The barber asks, “So where does he go when he leaves here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “To shag your wife!”
DAVID CHABBI, LONDON

“What does he know, he dresses like Liz Hurley’s son”
Liam Gallagher responds in typical style after brother Noel criticises his Pretty Green clothing range

“I got in my car this morning and the navigation lady wasn’t speaking to me”
US chatshow host David Letterman, in the doghouse after revelations of his affairs with employees

“They’re not new – they’re recycled!”
Ulrika Jonsson updates us on the status of her boobs

“Since I started exercising, I really like where my butt is going. It’s defying gravity”
Eva Mendes on her best asset. We couldn’t agree more