MINI-ME TRIED IT ON WITH MY MISSUS!
At the Pride of Britain Awards last week I was sat on the same table as Peter Andre and Mini-Me himself, Verne Troyer. The little fella couldn’t give a fuck about the people being given awards and spent the entire time on his BlackBerry. The thing looked like a laptop next to him! Anyway, he fucked off halfway through, but not before he’d tried cracking on to my missus! I didn’t know what to do. He was giving her the eye and being a right old sleaze, but I wasn’t sure if I could do anything. I can’t give a midget a slap, can I? So, I decided to have a “little” word with him. He soon got the message. I’d never have lived it down if Mini-Me had chatted up the missus!

GETTING HAMMERED
I’m officially worried about West Ham. We’re second bottom and the fans are starting to question Gianfranco Zola. He’s a lovely fella and his assitant, Steve Clarke, is a tactical genius, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s aggressive enough. Has he got the bottle for a relegation scrap? I really hope so, because I can’t bear to look at the newspapers at the moment!

I see the Tories want to raise the retirement age to 66.
I feel for the poor old boys and girls. We don’t take care of the elderly in this country and now we’re forcing them to work until they can barely move. I’ll be quitting work as soon as I can afford to!

THE BETTER HALVES
I’ve seen that politicians’ wives are going to get more involved with their husband’s work. I reckon that’s a good thing. Look at Michelle Obama – she’s done wonders for old Barrack. There’s definitely something about her. And let’s face it, they can’t do any worse than their old fellas!

ALL MONEY, NO TASTE
Steven Ireland’s been up to his old eccentric tricks and bought his missus some ridiculous customised Bentley. Just more proof that footballers have more money than sense or style. I know actors can be flash pricks sometimes, but football players take the fucking piss!

RANDY RUSS
Russell Brand is a fella who takes a lot of stick, but I’ve got respect for him. His new bird Katy Perry isn’t my cup of tea at all, but he’s doing the business out in the States, as well as shagging everyone he wants. All the grief is just other people being jealous of him.