HOTEL HOTLINE
Feeling lonely on a business trip, a man grabs a card for a call girl out of a phone box and heads back to his hotel to give the number a ring. Excited by the sexy voice that answers, the man blurts out, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. Actually, let me be up front with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard and I want it hot. Can you bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips and anything else you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up and cover me in chocolate syrup. Now, how does that sound?” “That sounds fantastic but you’ll need to press nine for an outside line,” came the reply.
BRETT COPPULL, VIA EMAIL

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS
War is God’s way of teaching the Americans geography.
JOKESWAREHOUSE.COM

THE LIFT MYSTERY  
An Amish boy and his father are in a shopping centre when they come across a lift. Having never seen one before, they both stand and watch in amazement as a fat old lady gets in. They continue to watch as the small, circular numbers on the wall light up sequentially.
They are still watching when it reaches the last number, then the numbers begin to light in reverse order. Finally, the lift doors open up again and a gorgeous, leggy blonde steps out.
The father turns to his boy and quietly whispers, “Son, go and get your mother.”
SANDEEP SANDAL, BIRMINGHAM

FREE WILLY
A blue whale produces 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates. Only 10 per cent of that goes into its mate… Ever wondered why the sea tastes so salty?
RYAN THOMAS, DENBIGH

LEAN ON ME
My new girlfriend broke down in tears last night and confided in me that she had been adopted at birth. She told me that she just couldn’t understand why her parents hadn’t wanted her.
As she lay there in my arms, I cradled her, kissed her forehead and told her I was there for her. She gently kissed me on the lips and asked me to make love to her.
In hindsight, shouting, “Who’s your daddy?” halfway through might have been a little bit insensitive.
INJOKES.COM

GAY BEAR
A bear is chasing a rabbit when the pair accidentally run into a fairy. The fairy tells them, “I’ll grant you three wishes each.”
The rabbit lets the bear go first.
“I wish all the bears in the forest were female.” The fairy grants his wish.
The rabbit goes next. “I wish I had a motorcycle helmet.” Poof, the rabbit gets a motorcycle helmet.
“I wish all the bears in the continent were female.” All the bears in the continent become female.
“I wish I had a motorcycle,” says the rabbit. Poof, a motorcycle appears.
“I wish all the bears in the world were female,” the bear says. All the
bears in the world become female.
The rabbit straps on his motorcycle helmet, jumps on the bike and revs it up. “I wish he was gay,” says the rabbit, as he speeds off.
LYN D, VIA EMAIL

DIRTY OLD TOWN
Apparently, Tory leader David Cameron wants to make all towns in Britain triple-barrelled, like Kingston-upon-Thames and Berwick-upon-Tweed. He wants to have Leeds-on-Benefit.
Milton Jones, Mock The Week

RISE AND FALL
Three small words, “I love you,” can inflate your ego.
Three other words, “Is it in?” will destroy you.
PHELAN, DEWSBURY

SMALL CHANGE
A man is in a bar and has had one too many drinks.
A beautiful lady sits down next to him and he turns to her and says, “Hey, how about it – you and me, getting it on. I’ve got a couple of quid and you look like you could use a little money.”
Shocked, the woman replies, “What makes you think that I charge by the inch?”
SAMO, MILTON KEYNES

SIGNING YOUR LIFE AWAY
There are new guidelines outlining how far a person can go in assisting suicide without the risk of being prosecuted. The hardest thing
I ever had to do was have my nan sign a letter, expressing her wishes to be “assisted”.
The second hardest was convincing her it was a subscription renewal for the Radio Times.
LEE OAKLEY, VIA EMAIL

UNHOLY COMMUNION
A priest in a small village has a cock and 10 hens, which he keeps behind the church. One Saturday night, the cock goes missing.
During Sunday Mass, the priest questions his congregation. “Has anybody here got a cock?” he asks.
All the men stand up.
“No, no,” he says. “What I meant was, has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stand up.
“No,” says the priest. “You’re getting the wrong idea. What
I should have said was, has anybody seen my cock?”
All the alter boys stand up.
RICKY WHITE, SURREY

LADY KILLER
Last night, my friend asked me how I got so many women. I guess “Leather gloves, Rohypnol, maps of the surrounding woodland, duct tape and the willingness to put in that extra effort,” was not what he was expecting to hear.
SICKIPEDIA.ORG

“Women hold the power because we have the vaginas. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and you’re a female, you win”
Megan Fox gets technical

“I am transcending the material world by acknowledging the eternal light within. Then I’m gonna watch some porn”
Russell Brand starts on the path to salvation, before getting distracted

“Like in Stringfellows, you should look but not touch”
University Of Buckingham vice-chancellor Terrence Kealey advises male lecturers about female students

“Fairtrade coffee – if you don’t like it, you’re racist”
Comedian Russell Howard advocates Fairtrade produce

“They should wear clothes that are elegant rather than suitable for an adult-only show”
Strictly Come Dancing viewers complain about the show’s very skimpy outfits

“It was fun at the start of the week but now we’re sick of it and want them to go home. Traffic is insane. You can’t get anywhere. And Gaddafi with that stretch camel, who’s he kidding?”
US Late Show host David Letterman complains about traffic congestion during the recent UN conference in
New York