Politicians? They’re All Snakes
The Sun’s come out and said it’s no longer backing Labour and is supporting the Tories now. To be honest, I think they’re all lying snakes.

I blame Gordon Brown more than anyone else for this mess. America’s in a right old fucking state too, but as soon as Obama took over, things began to look rosy again.
In the UK, we’re lumbered with the most boring charisma-less c**t imaginable. His speeches mean nothing and send me to sleep.

For all his faults, at least Tony Blair was capable of standing up, giving a decent speech and getting himself out of the shit. And anyone who thinks posho David Cameron will do a better job needs to stop mugging themselves.

The shot of that hoodie giving him the finger on the council estate tells you all you need to know: he’s completely out of touch with society. We need our own Obama.

Telly Travesty
I can’t believe England vs Ukraine isn’t on the box. I know we’re through to the World Cup, but it’s a proper qualifying game, not a poxy friendly. Who’s going to want to watch it hunched around a fucking laptop in their bedroom? You can’t move for bollocks like What Katie Did Next on TV, but no one has the balls to stump up the cash to show an England match. It’s a disgrace. 

The Wolverine actor Hugh Jackman tore into a punter the other day after his mobile went off during a play. It may sound like I’m being a diva, but I can see where he’s coming from. I’ve been in a play recently, and a bloke walked right past the stage bold as brass. I was holding a table tennis bat in the scene so threw it straight at him!

Strip Away
Deputy PM Harriet Harman’s been banging on about cracking down on strip clubs. Why? There’s this feminist view they’re dens of discrimination, but most of the girls earn decent cash and are happy to be there. It’s not my scene, of course. I’d rather be tucked up at home with MOTD!

Tevez: Legend
It was horrible to watch Carlos Tevez take West Ham apart last week, but what a true gent. The fact he felt bad enough scoring to apologise to the fans who used to worship him speaks volumes for the boy. All those Man United c**ts who booed him are disgraceful. When some rich bloke buys our club, maybe we can get him back.

Fiddy Thumbs-Up
I’ve got Dead Man Walking with 50 Cent coming out soon. He’s a top fella. He said I was the reason he did the film and I was a great actor. But the cheeky bastard did also say I play the same role in each film, though. Everyone’s a critic – even rappers!