AFTERLIFE FROM HELL
After dying and going to hell, a man is shown into a room full of beautiful blondes and huge kegs of beer. Shocked, the man turns to a demon and asks, “You call this hell?”
The demon replies, “The kegs all have holes in and the blondes don’t, so I guess so.”
JOSH SUMNER, LONDON

THE BIG DEBATE
For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful – being kicked in the balls, or giving birth. Here’s the answer: a year after having a first child, a woman will turn to her man and say, “Lets have another baby.”
But I challenge you to find a man who will turn to his mate after getting kicked in the privates and say, “Tell you what Steve, why don’t you kick me in the bollocks again?”
JACK WEBB, VIA EMAIL

WHEN APRIL COMES
It’s 31 March and a blind kid is going to bed. His mum says, “If you pray hard enough, when you wake up, you’ll be able to see.”
So the kid prays the hardest he’s ever prayed. In the morning, he rubs his eyes but still can’t see anything. Then his mum runs in screaming “April Fools’!”
SAM TAYLOR, VIA EMAIL

FERGIE STYLE
My favourite sex position is now called the “Alex Ferguson”, because my girlfriend never complains if I can make it last an extra two minutes.
J PULLMAN, VIA TEXT

ASKING FOR A PAY RISE
A maid asks for a pay rise.
“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.
“Well, there are three reasons. Firstly, I iron better than you.”
“Who said that you iron better?”
“Your husband said so. The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense. Who said you are a better cook than me?”
“Your husband. And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
“Did my husband say
that as well?”
“No, the gardener did.”
The maid doubled her wage.
RICKY WHITE, SURREY

UNDERCOVER LOVER
I used to see this girl across the road from me… but she closes her curtains now.
DOUG, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE

“I pressed the panic alarm in the gym’s steam room thinking it was the light”
TV presenter Fearne Cotton gives an insight into her fitness regime

“I’ll be able to diddle meself and save the women of NYC a lot of bother”
Russell Brand Tweets about taking up yoga

“Jesus would just as likely be in the queue at Asda or Aldi”
The Bishop Of Reading bemoans the Church Of England’s “Marks & Spencer” image

“I can get to all the cobwebs so you’ll have a tidy house and I can put up curtains for you”
The world’s tallest man Sultan Kosen on what his 8ft 1in frame offers prospective girlfriends