BELOW THE BELT
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
Eventually, the lady in question goes to HR to make a sexual harassment claim. Puzzled, the HR supervisor asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker complimenting your hair?”
The woman replies, “It’s Keith… the midget.”
BAZ, VIA TEXT

GLASGOW QUIZ NIGHT
A pub quiz in Glasgow is coming to a close and the final question is, “The title of Take That’s first album consists of four words. The first two are “Take That”. What are the second two?”
After a short pause, a wee Glaswegian pipes up with “Ya c*nt”.
JOCK, EDINBURGH

SEX EDUCATION
An Essex schoolgirl claims to know how reproduction works and says to her mum, “Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy’s thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that’s how you get babies.”
Shaking her head, her mother replies, “Oh darling, that’s so sweet, but that’s not how we get babies. That’s how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes and shoes.”
BRETT COPPULL, VIA EMAIL

FISH OUT OF WATER
I bought a goldfish the other day, but it turns out it was epileptic. The weird thing was, as long as I left it in the tank, it was fine.
STEFAN HAILEY, VIA EMAIL

KNOCKING OFF HEAVEN’S DOOR
St Peter is waiting by the Pearly Gates when 40 Scousers show up. Having never seen anyone from Liverpool at Heaven’s door, St Peter says he’ll have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructs him to admit the 10 most virtuous people of the group.
A few minutes later, St Peter returns to God breathless and says, “They’re gone!”
“What? All of the Liverpudlians are gone?”
asks God.
“No!” replies St Peter.
“The Pearly Gates!”
RICKY WHITE, SURREY

KYLE ON THE BIG SCREEN
The biggest-selling DVD of all time is Mama Mia!. It’s about a girl searching for her real dad. It’s like a feature-length Jeremy Kyle.
JIMMY CARR, 8 OUT OF 10 CATS

NUMBERS GAME
Five men in an Audi Quattro arrive at a police checkpoint and are stopped by an officer who tells them it’s illegal to put five people in a Quattro as Quattro means “four”.
“Quattro is just the name of the car,” says the driver.
After getting nowhere, the driver asks to speak to the sergeant. “I’ll get more sense out of him,” he says.
“Sorry,” the officer responds. “The sergeant is busy dealing with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
LUKE FOWLER, VIA EMAIL

QUEEN’S STAND
My dad made us stand for the Queen’s speech one Christmas – not out of respect, but because he had pawned our sofa to pay off his gambling debts.
ROB BRYDON, STAND-UP

ALCOHOL TEST
A chemistry teacher is teaching his students a lesson about the evils of alcohol and demonstrates an experiment involving a glass of water, a glass of whisky and two worms.
He puts the first worm into the water and it wriggles about, happy as a worm in water could possibly be. He then drops the second worm into the whisky and it quickly sinks to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the teacher asks the class.
A student at the back shouts out, “Drink whisky and you won’t get worms.”
JOKESWAREHOUSE.COM

“I PITY THE FOOL”
If you’ve got sat-nav, start downloading celebrity voices – it never gets boring. I’ve got Mr T on mine. I’ve had it for six months and it’s still funny. It won’t ever go to the airport, but apart from that, it’s brilliant.
JASON MANFORD, STAND-UP

DREAM THREESOME
I met this older woman at a bar the other night – she wasn’t bad for 57. We drank and talked a bit, then she asked if I’d ever had a mother and daughter threesome. I told her I hadn’t but I’d be game. We went back to her place and she got in, switched on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mum, are you still awake?”
SIMON BURNS, DERBY

WHEN NATURE CALLS
After a night on the town, a young woman brings a guy home for a late-night drink. “You can’t make any noise,” she warns him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out, they’ll kill us.”
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while, alcohol gets the better of the man. “I have to go to the toilet,” he says.
“Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replies. “Use the kitchen sink.”
So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head around the door and asks, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a tea towel?”
SICKIPEDIA.ORG

CARE IN THE COMMUNITY
I have just started a new job in a care home. I’ve never found a job so rewarding, getting paid to have sex all day.
NUTTY MATTY, VIA EMAIL

LEADER OF THE GANG
What’s the difference between Gary Glitter and Arthur Scargill?
Scargill hasn’t touched a miner’s helmet in 30 years.
DAVEY, VIA TEXT

BIG MOUTH
“Instead of truck, we say lorry, instead of elevator we say lift, and instead of letting people die in the street, we have free healthcare”
Russell Brand opens up the MTV Video Music Awards

“Do I look like I’m scared of heights? Have you seen my shoes?”
TV presenter Donna Air jokes at the vertigo-inducing bar atop the 385ft-high Centre Point tower in London

“Jordan was sprawled in an undignified fashion on the floor with her legs akimbo, showing off her knickers and stockings”
Gypsy cage fighter Tony Giles eloquently details Jordan’s fall in a mass brawl at a fight night afterparty

“I want to end up working in museums and use my education, but you’ve got to pay the bills.
I’m not ready to sit behind a desk”
St Andrews art graduate porn star AJ Bailey explains her career choice

“He said it was a chemical imbalance in his brain – it was like a handicapped person needing a wheelchair”
Russell Brand’s ex-girlfriend Christy Peterson defends the sex-mad funnyman’s promiscuity

”British music will be nothing but puppets, paid for by Simon Cowell”
Lily Allen predicts the future