Keep Your Mouth Shut
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
Scott W, Bedfordshire

Checking The Goods
Little Tommy goes to a horse auction with his father. He watches as his dad moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rumps and chests.
After a few minutes, Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replies, “Because I have to make sure the horses are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Worried, Tommy says, “I think the milkman wants to buy Mum.”
Liam, via text

Dead Good Shot
I nailed a sweet birdie on the golf course. But the RSPCA made me take it down from the tree.
Alex, Herts

Tit For Tat
Two friends are having a drink. Friend one asks, “If I went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife and she got pregnant, would that make us related?”  
Friend two replies, “I don’t know about related, but it would definitely make us even.”
Brett, Coppull

Record Breaker
My neighbour is in the Guinness World Records for having 43 concussions. He lives very close – just a stone’s throw away.
Stewart Francis, Mock The Week

Road Wars
Tarmac and Concrete are arguing in a bar. Tarmac turns to Concrete and says, “I’m harder than you because
I built the M1!”
Concrete retorts, “Yeah, but I built Heathrow’s runways!”
Then the door bursts open and Tarmac and Concrete go quiet. The barman asks them why they aren’t saying anything.
“We might be hard,” says Concrete, “but he’s a cycle path.”
jokeswarehouse.com

Driven By Faith
Having just arrived at the airport, the Pope is running late for a meeting and orders his chauffeur to go faster.
Frustrated with the lack of progress, the Pope then switches places with his driver and takes the wheel. Their car is pulled over for speeding and the arresting officer radios in to the sergeant to find out what to do with such an important person.
His sergeant asks, “Just how important is he?”
“I don’t know,” replies the cop. “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
Matt P, via email

Dodgy Date
What is horticulture?
When you take a prostitute to the theatre.
ahajokes.com

Strong Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde lady was using the following password: MickeyMinnie-PlutoHueyLouie Dewey-DonaldGoofy.
When asked why it was so long, she replied, “Because it will only let you put something that’s at least eight characters long.”
Luke Willes, Colchester

Anglo-Scottish Relations
A man is cupping his hands to scoop water to drink from a Scottish Highland lake, when a gamekeeper spots him and shouts, “Dinnae drink the waater! Et’s full of coo’s shite and piss!”
The bloke replies, “Sorry, I’m from England. Could you repeat that in English, please?”
The keeper says, “I’m sorry, I said use two hands – you will spill less that way.”
Chris Hennessy, via email

Guardian Of The Sea
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But teach him how to fish and he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchucks and no one’s eating fish ever again.
Reggy, via text

Wedded Bliss
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Jay, via text

“My beautiful vagina is offended. I’m not offended – my vagina is offended”
Pop singer Lady GaGa – or rather her little flower – expresses her annoyance over the hermaphrodite rumours

“I think I injected a sufficient amount of disdain into that voiceover.  I did it for the money, of course – and I spent that disdainfully, too”
Funnyman Robert Webb on narrating BBC Three’s Young, Dumb And Living Off Mum

“If we can’t all giggle at monkey genitals, we’re no better than the Nazis”
Comedian Russell Brand sets down some ground rules on Twitter

“I Sky+ it and fast-forward the bits when I’m talking”
Cheryl Cole can’t bear to watch herself on The X Factor

“I’m going to get in touch with Pete and ask him if he would like to join the Great Escape club with me
– because we have both had great escapes from Jordan”
Katie Price’s ex-fiance Warren Furman congratulates Peter Andre on his divorce

“It’s not like I’m showing off something that no one else has got”
Naked plinth man Justin Holwell answers the critics after his all-revealing show in Trafalgar Square, London