“Simon Cowell is looking down at God, judging him. To be around that is incredibly exciting”
Dannii Minogue (left) slightly exaggerates her fellow X-Factor judge’s social and evangelical status

“For the moment, I’m happy with the way I am – short and plump. What’s wrong with looking like Susan Boyle? What’s the matter with that?”
Singer Susan Boyle struggles to cope with her image

“The devil wears Asda”
Kevin Bishop offers the alternative to the high fashion baddie

“Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough”
Comedian Adam Hills paints a murky picture of his lovelife

“I like to dress up as the lead character in whatever story I’m reading. My daughter loves princesses”
Hollywood funnyman Adam Sandler admits to cross-dressing

“I’ve burned hundreds of calories exercising. I’ll take seconds off Usain Bolt’s 100m record and I’ll do so while smoking a fag”
Russell Brand talks up his chances of taking on the world’s fastest man

QUICKIE DIVORCE
Nigel and Julie are in a marriage counselling session when the instructor asks Nigel to describe Julie’s favourite flower. Nigel leans over, touches Julie’s arm and knowingly whispers, “Self-raising, isn’t it?” Suffice to say, the marriage wasn’t saved.
ALAN LANSDOWNE, RENFREW

INSTANT BRIDES
I like my women the way I like my coffee – picked by migrant workers.
I married way too young, a Chinese girl – that’s her name.
STUART FRANCIS , STAND-UP

LEAF IT OUT
I’m so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me. I’m living on borrowed thyme.
JON S, VIA EMAIL

LEADING BY EXAMPLE
A little girl walks into her parents’ bedroom to find them going at it.
Shocked at what she sees, the girl runs out screaming, “And you tell me off just for sucking
my thumb!”
COLIN ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
A psychology teacher asks students in her class to stand up if they think they are stupid. After a few seconds, a student stands up.
“Do you think you’re stupid?” asks the teacher.
“No, Miss. I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
STU, NOTTINGHAM

BIG WORDS
Little Johnny is in class when the teacher says, “Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny replies, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
AIDEN WIMSLOW, TELFORD

PAPER WARS
If you took all the Harry Potter books that have been sold and laid them end-to-end, they’d cover the surface area of Brazil. Which is what they used to do in tree form.
JIMMY CARR, 8 OUT OF 10 CATS

BRIDGING THE GAP
A blonde is out walking when she comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo hoo!” she shouts. “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up and down the river, then shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
BEN, VIA EMAIL

THE PERFECT GIFT
Adam is talking to his friend at the bar: “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything and she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m well and truly stuck.”
“I have an idea,” says his mate. “Make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Adam decides to take his mate’s advice. The next day, his friend asks, “Did it work? Did she like it?”
“Oh yes, she loved it. She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘See you in an hour!’”
IAN JOHNSON, CARDIFF

KILLER INTRO
It’s a stockbroker’s first day in prison and he’s put in a cell with a psychotic-looking inmate.
“I’m in for a white-collar crime, too.”
“Oh, really?” says the stockbroker, sighing
with relief.
“Yes,” says the cellmate.
“I killed a vicar.”
JOKESWAREHOUSE.COM

NAMESAKES
What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.
RICKS, VIA TEXT

STROKE OF DEATH
There are three elderly women sitting together on a park bench. Suddenly, a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady also has a stroke, but the third old lady’s arm is too short to reach.
SICKIPEDIA.ORG

LITTLE MAN ON THE RUN
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who’s recently escaped from prison?
Police are looking for a small medium at large.
SQUIDGA, TEWKSBURY

THE IN-CROWD
Barack Obama has an approval rating of 50 per cent. If Gordon Brown discovered a cure for cancer, baked everybody in the country a cake and discovered oil under his own house, he would still have a popularity rating on a par with
Gary Glitter.
ANDY PARSONS, MOCK THE WEEK