DRINK DRIVING
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he’s pulled over by police.
The officer approaches him and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
“No, I haven’t. Why?” replies the man. “Was I driving all over the road?”
“No,” answers the officer. “You were driving splendidly. It was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.”
MARK WAHL, CHESTER

PAINTING & DECORATING
A girl says to her boyfriend, “You make love like you decorate.”
He replies, “What, slow with smooth strokes and a professional finish?”
“No,” she answers. “More like the council. You bang it up, make a mess and leave me to finish the job myself.”
JT, VIA EMAIL

SPRING FLOWERS
It’s sad what happened to Felipe Massa at the Hungarian Grand Prix. On the bright side, he has been asked to replace Bill Oddie on the next series of Springwatch.
MATTHEW COLBOURNE, VIA Email

PRESIDENT OF THE GENTLEMEN’S CLUB
It’s a good thing that Berlusconi and Bill Clinton never served at the same time, or they’d be holding the G8 at places like Spearmint Rhino.
HUGH DENNIS, MOCK THE WEEK

“Simon Cowell is a man with incredible appeal. His power, magnetism and raw honesty”
Dannii Minogue can’t resist the seductive powers of her boss

“There’s been a crackdown on drugs and mobile phones. Salsa and golf are part of the solution”
A source from Kirkham prison in Preston reveals the methods it uses in the war on drugs

“We believe in the immensity of showbiz and will continue to give it mouth-to-mouth until its vomiting return”
Lady GaGa tries her hand at political speeches, after receiving nine MTV Video Music Award nominations

COLD CALLING
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone starts ringing.
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the hell would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who on Earth was that?” asks his wife.
“It was a wrong number –
some wally was asking if the
coast was clear.”
HUTTY, DARLINGTON

GOING DUTCH
Where is the best place to be a window cleaner?
Amsterdam.
HANNAH GRAHAM, LONDON

DOCTOR-PATIENT BESTIALITY
Dr Smith sleeps with a patient and is tortured with guilt. In one ear, his conscience is saying, “You’re a single man, don’t worry.” The other is saying, “You’re a vet, you sicko!”
COLLIN ROBERTS, VIA EMAIL

MUM’S THE WORD
One day, little Johnny hears a noise and peeks into his parents’ room to check it out. He finds his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. His dad sees and winks as Johnny
closes the door.
After finishing, his dad goes to check on Johnny. He finds grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yells, “What are you doing?”
Johnny replies, “It’s not so funny when it’s your mum, is it?”
BIG DAVE, ESSEX

FUNNY MILK
Harry visits his friend who lives on a farm and gets up early to fix brekkie. The farmer comes down later and finds him covered in white liquid, holding a jug. “Look, I’ve milked the cow,” says Harry.
“But we don’t have a cow,” replies the farmer, “It’s a bull.”
JON COOPER, LONDON