Footballs For Brains
Two footballers get out of their car and accidentally lock the keys inside. Wayne says to Scott, 'We could get a coat hanger and try to unlock it or prise the door open.' Scott replies, 'Well, whatever we do, we better hurry up - it's starting to rain and the roof's still down on the car.'
Scott, Via Email

Short End Of The Stick
Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf is unable to get an erection and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, all he can hear is his little friend shouting, 'Here I come again... one, two, three... uuh!' In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed.'
AJ, Earlsfield

The Keeper Of Time
Following a night out, a man brings his mates back to show off his new flat. But the visitors are perplexed by a large gong in the middle of the lounge. 'What's that big brass gong for?' enquires one of the guests. 'Why, that's my speaking clock,' the man replies. 'And how does it work?' the guest asks. 'I'll show you,' the man says, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screams angrily, 'For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's 20 to two in the morning!'
Luke Fowler, Via Email

Gyming On A Prayer
Go to any city in the world and you'll find a Buddha Bar that serves karma cocktails. If you go to a supermarket right now, you'll find a brand of margarine called I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha. Buddhism's an easy target because there are no Buddhist extremists. You wouldn't get a gym only open on Sundays called Jehovah's Fitness.
Adam Hills, Mock The Week

Blonde Ambition
A man walks into a library and is approached by a blonde librarian. 'Do you have Great Expectations?' he asks her.
'Yes, one day I hope to work on the front desk and get my own parking space.'
Alan Lansdowne, Renfrew

Dolled-Up Divorcée
Did you hear about the new Divorced Barbie?
It comes with all Ken's stuff.
Coolfunnyjokes.com

Doggy-Style
A little girl asks her mum if she can take her dog for a walk. Her mum replies, 'No, because she's on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asks the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk? I asked mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come and ask you.' Her dad takes a rag, soaks it in petrol and scrubs the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent. 'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go around the block once.' The little girl leaves and returns to her father a few minutes later without the dog. Surprised, her dad asks, "Where's Lulu?' To which the little girl replies, 'She ran out of petrol when we were halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Brett, Coppull

Undervocer Lover
I recently met a 14-year-old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover cop. How cool's that at her age?
Fhm.com

Disney Club
Does anyone know how you cancel a bid on eBay? I've just bid on a Mickey Mouse outfit and I'm only 30 minutes away from owning Newcastle United.
Dave, Via Text

Wish List
What's the odd thing out: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob? Blowjob - because you can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Leo Sawyer, Bath

The End Is Nigh
Want to know what the world will be like after the apocalypse? £4 on National Express gets you to Glasgow.
Jimmy Carr, 8 Out Of 10 Cats

Box Office Draw
Sky has won the rights to screen the first Origami Championships. It's available on paper view.
Dan Steel, St. Helens

Intense Novel
A man and wife are in bed reading books when the man starts to rub his wife's private parts. She looks up from her book and asks, in her most seductive voice, 'Do you want sex?' Her husband turns around and says, 'No, it's OK. I was just wetting my finger to turn the page.'
Emma, Basingstoke

Cheese Tasting
A husband buys some condoms with different flavours. 'Darling, I'll turn off the lights, put one on and you guess the flavour.' As soon as the lights are off, she takes him in her mouth and says, 'Gorgonzola!' 'Wait, it's not on yet!'
Freddie, Via Text

Time Of Your Life
What's the difference between sex and anal sex? Sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Michael Keenen, Via Email

ROYAL FLUSH
Life with a woman is like a pack of cards - you need a heart to love one, you need a diamond to marry one, you need club to beat her and a spade to bury the bitch!
Sickipedia.com