Murray? Not For Me
Everyone’s been going mad about Wimbledon and Andy Murray this week, but I can’t get my head round this Murray character. I don’t know if I like him or not.

You can see he’s a fucking good tennis player, but as an Englishman, I just can’t forget that comment he made at the last World Cup, saying he’d support whoever England were playing.

You know he meant it, and at the time I thought, 'Fair play. You’re a Scotsman, and Scots are well known for not liking the English.' But if you’re going to make a comment like that, stick by it. The fact he went back on his word makes me think he’s a bit of a mug.

In fact, I’d have respected him more if he’d stuck to his guns and said, 'I’m Scottish through and through – that’s who I play tennis for and that’s where my heart lies.'

As much as Tim Henman was a plum, I rooted for him because he was typically English – a right little posh boy – but he was the underdog. We’re pony at tennis and always have been and he was a little glimmer of hope, so I tuned in. But I don’t know if I can back Murray.

Blowout
The pensioner who won £25m on the lottery celebrated by looking after his carrots. That’s nice. But he’s 73. My advice would be to buy a massive yacht, get 20 prostitutes and a load of drugs and go and die out at sea, getting noshed off. That’s the way to check out.

Orgy
I see ZOO went undercover at a high-class orgy. I’ve got a couple of pals who used to do shit like that, but the parties they went to were with really disgusting old swingers. One turned up and some 60-year-old bird answered the door in her negligée. He’s a dirty bastard, so he went in anyway!

Hot So Foxy
I can’t say Megan Fox is the sexiest woman in the world – that’s my missus – but what a sort she is. Mind you, I don’t think she can act. And I’m not convinced she’s a big fan of men. She’d cost you a bomb, and having a bird that good-looking on your arm would be fucking stressful!

Bedding Harry's Bird
Prince Harry’s given his new bird, Caroline Flack, the elbow. I worked with her on Is Harry On The Boat?, a Sky One show I did years ago. In my first scene, she comes into my room, strips off in front of me, and I end up in bed with her!

She never struck me as the sort for the Royal family. She was lovely and well-spoken, but you wouldn’t think any girl who gets them out on some two-bob TV show would be good enough for the Royal cock.

But good luck to her. She might have been dumped, but the fact she’s had a bit of him means there’s always a story there if she comes unstuck. And that could be massive money.

DANNY ON... Madonna adopting Africans
She’s got a geezer who’s in the prime of his life, so why not just bang out a kid with him, instead of traipsing through orphanages? How many does she need?