Jokes Of The Week: Proper Shoeing!
More festive merriment and new chuckles for 2009...
YOU’LL NEVER PORK ALONE
It’s just been announced that if you’ve bought a lump of dodgy Irish meat, you can return it for a full refund. Rafa Benitez has asked Spurs if they can take Robbie Keane back.
sent in by Jez Simpson, via email
Please people, at this year’s office Christmas party, remember that you’re supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier and not the shredder.
David Letterman, US Talkshow Host
Who was that nice, bug-eyed Extra Terrestrial from the ’80s, who befriended a small boy?
Oh yeah, Michael Jackson.
Alan Carr, Sunday Night Project
Security sources close to George W Bush have revealed that no one else was involved in the shoe throwing incident (above) and the reporter was indeed the sole attacker.
We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas.
So we gave the budgie chest expanders.
sent in by Stevie M, Darlington
Yesterday, I had to change a lightbulb. Later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar. Then I began to realise my life was a joke.
sent in by Sanjay, via email
STY’S THE LIMIT
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
CUT OFF IN THEIR PRIMETIME
This year, the BBC brought us both Robin Hood and Merlin. Or as they’re known in my house, “When’s Doctor Who coming back?”
Angus Deayton, British Comedy Awards
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
sent in by Mr Finger, via email
IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE CHEAT...
What of Gordon Ramsay’s festive plans? Will he be pulling a cracker, whipping out the party poppers and giving a fancy bird a right good stuffing? Or is he staying at home with the wife and kids this year?
Ian Hyland, News Of The World
TROUBLE & STRIFE
The recession is affecting everything. They’ve even had to change Cockney rhyming slang. Now “merchant banker” doesn’t mean “wanker”. It just means unemployed.
Sean Lock, stand-up
If Jennifer Lopez is J-Lo and Lindsay Lohan is Li-Lo, why doesn’t Pete Doherty (left) follow suit?
sent in by Rob Hall, Essex
PUB FACT: The shih-tzu is the most ancient dog breed, with 10,000-year-old skeletal remains found in Tibet.
Life On Board A Warship!
We climb aboard HMS Liverpool to see what life is like at sea during battle!