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Frankie’s Funniest Gags!

Frankie Boyle"Would anyone else like to see hostages in videos being a bit cheekier? Someguy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword turning around going: ‘Short back and sides please, big man!'"

"You see Amy Winehouse in the papers? She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses. She got done for assault. Kicked out at some guy that tried to put a saddle on her."

"Why do paedophiles always go for the beard and glasses look? I mean, what is it about that look that children find so sexy?"

"Viagra's overrated. It takes half an hour to have any effect. I often find that in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free."

"One of the side effects of the smoking ban in Scotland is that every pub has tables and chairs outside. Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war."

"I read Gordon Brown wants to bring in Super ASBOs. They sound too cool, don't they? Instead, he should call them GAYBOs, or Bender Badges."

"A mate of mine quit drinking because he said he couldn't imagine anything worse than having less money than he thought he had and a sore head. I said, it could be worse, you could have more money than you thought you had and a sore arse..."

"Did anyone see that thing where Jordan came out and said she's only had 10 lovers? Did anyone else think she just ran out of fingers?"

"‘Cancer' is on predictive text. Who's texting people they've got cancer? ‘I've got cancer. LOL.' ‘Rape' is on there! Who's using that? ‘Sorry mum, be late for dinner. Gone out raping.'"

PUB FACT: Frankie Boyle has a son called Thor

| The DVD Frankie Boyle Live is released on 10 November
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