You're taking part in new motor-modifying show Chop Shop. What specifications did you have in mind for your pimped-out vehicle?
I drive a VW Golf at the moment, so I just wanted the same car - but faster. I said I wanted all the action going on under the hood, and didn't want it to stand out too much. They basically ignored all that: it looks like a supreme midlife crisis on four wheels! It's like driving a lighthouse!

Sounds cool. Were any of your suggestions a bit impractical?
Originally, I asked for something like the car in Death Proof - for the passenger side to be inescapable for dates, so it could only be opened by me! Ha ha!

Got any more PG Tips ads on the horizon?
We've got a corker coming up, but I'm not allowed to say what it is. It's based on a classic British comedy scene - the classic British comedy scene - and it's pretty special.

Do you get free tea bags now?
Sometimes. My mum's pleased, because she basically equates fame with getting stuff for free, but my brother goes through them like nobody's business. Basically, my family have had enough for one harsh winter, but I've not quite got tea for life yet. If you're reading this PG Tips, pull your finger out!

Your ITV comedy Benidorm is huge these days. Do you have a laugh filming out in Spain?
It's fun, but eight weeks is a dangerously long amount of time for me to be out there. It's basically a long holiday. There are loads of strange tribute acts and plenty of people willing to drink with you all the time! All the other actors are very lovely people, but they go and do cultured things like meet for dinner. Meanwhile, I'm half a mile away shouting at the Moon!

So what have been your best nights out while on set?
Oh, God - they all tend to blend into one! Being robbed by a bunch of prostitutes was a highlight. My dad said, "You should have known something was wrong when they approached you and said you were a handsome man!" Then there was being carted out of the hotel by the police...

You were arrested? What for?
I'd nicked these plastic flowers from reception because Elsie - who plays my mum - had been ill. I was thieving, but it was for a good cause! Elsie didn't know they were plastic. She watered them for a fortnight!

Any other Benidorm scrapes you can tell us about?
Well, the morning I turned up with a homeless Spanish woman chasing me because I'd stolen her trolley full of rags and was riding it down the street was pretty bad. This was after one of my many final warnings. That's not the best way to sneak into work!

Will you be involved in this year's Shooting Stars Christmas special?
I don't know, but I desperately hope so! I rang them up begging! We're all working on a documentary about the show at the moment. It was such a great job. We were actually encouraged to get drunk at work. Bob Mortimer went to me on the first day, "Will you be drinking? Because we will." He had a big pack of Skol under the desk; apparently, it's the working man's lager. I reckon he must get it online - I don't know if they still sell it in the shops!

You've been trying to lose weight since being diagnosed with gout. How's it going?
It's going OK. I'm eating better and it's happened really gradually. It's only when other people see you they think you've had a gastric band fitted! But my only concern about losing the weight is that I might have lost my niche corner of the market. Am I just stupid rather than big and stupid now?

A newspaper recently accused you of "touching up" a woman onstage at a stand-up gig. What went on there?
It was shocking. It was very out of character for the paper to run something like that - it was absolute nonsense! Normally when there's rubbish written about you, it adds to the myth. But something like that is destructive. People who watch me know I walk that line, but I'd never cross it like that.

So what's the biggest lie you've read about yourself?
I once read that I kept a small Bengali elephant in my bedroom.

Really?
Nah, just kidding...

PUB FACT: The upcoming series of Johnny's stoner sitcom Ideal will start with a live episode.

| See Johnny in Chop Shop, Monday nights at 10pm on Discovery Channel