50 Brand New Jokes!
LEE EVANS LAUGHS
Latest lines by rubber-faced physical funnyman...
1. I was watching a late-night TV sex-line advert. Some girl saying, "Call now for a chat - if you're single, or even if you're not." Single or not? That's fucking everyone, isn't it? And it's not a chat. It's a wank!
2. How come you never see pitbulls at Crufts? One walking with a big pink bow on its head going, "Dare you to fucking say it, mate..."
3. Blokes always use baskets at supermarkets and then buy so much crap we can't carry them. We end up kicking them along in the checkout queue like it's Match Of The Fucking Basket.
4. People are so impatient at traffic lights. I was slow on a green and some guy behind starts honking. I'm pulling away at 100mph, look in the mirror and it's some little old man in a Vauxhall Nova. Sorry mate - am I stopping you from breaking the fucking world land-speed record?
5. Why don't police clean up after their horses, like dog owners have to? I want to see them hoisting a big bag of horse shit over their shoulder. That'd stop them.
| Lee Evans is on tour - info from www.offthekerb.co.uk. His DVD, Big: Live At The O2 is out 24 Nov.
SOUTH PARK STAND-OUTS
The taboo-busting 'toon's tasteless new wisecracks...
6. CARTMAN: Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops giving a crap.
7. KYLE: Wow, if a picture of Britney Spears peeing on a ladybug got $100,000, imagine how much we'd get for a picture of her crapping on a squirrel!
8. STAN: [After catching his Dad wanking] Dad?
Randy: [Covered in semen] Oh... um... there was...there was a ghost! It's the ectoplasm. Did you see the ghost? He ran through here and slimed me.
9. [Picking partners for a school trip]
CARTMAN: Stan, let's be partners.
STAN: No, I'm with Wendy.
CARTMAN: Ugh! You want to hold hands with a girl? Gaywad!
10. [After Cartman has been locking cats in his attic]
CARTMAN: But you know, we've all learned something. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong.
KYLE: And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?
Cartman: Hmm, nope. I've no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.
| South Park series 12 is on Paramount Comedy 1, Friday nights at 9pm.
JASON MANFORD JOKES
Fresh funnies from self-styled "fat Michael Owen"...
11. We were playing the Olympics on the PlayStation and out of respect for the Paralympics, we broke two of the buttons.
12. When I was at school, all the boys used to go and snog Julie Miller in the art cupboard. And you know, they don't make teachers like Julie Miller any more.
13. Any Man United fans in? Course there are - we're in London. Every gig I do, there's a United fan there. They're like rats - you're only ever three metres away from one of the bastards.
14. Everyone keeps calling him "John Darwin: Canoe Man". He went out in a canoe once, five years ago. Why's he Canoe Man? I went on a donkey ride in 1986, but no one calls me Donkey Man, do they?
15. Gillian McKeith does that show You Are What You Eat. And at some point in her life, she's eaten a proper miserable bitch.
| Jason Manford is currently on tour, info from www.jasonmanford.com. He also hosts the XFM Manchester breakfast show.
SARAH SILVERMAN SICKIES
Matt Damon-f***er and Stateside stand-up invades the UK...
16. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
17. Strippers are role-models for little girls. If only for the fact they wax their assholes.
18. The best time to have a baby's when you're a black teen.
19. You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.
20. Jesus is magic because he turned water into wine. And I think he made the Statue Of Liberty disappear in the '80s.
| See her at Hammersmith Apollo on 19 Oct - go to ticketmaster.co.uk. The Sarah Silverman Program is on Paramount, Sun nights.
FRANKIE BOYLE FUNNIES
Mock The Week's sarky, speccy Scot...
21. Political correctness is everywhere. We're not allowed to say "fairy lights" this Christmas because it could be
construed as homophobic. Apparently we've now got to call them "poof lanterns".
22. I think the anti-speeding advert should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
23. They're talking about bringing in a 2p sausage. People have said that's bollocks. I think it'll have brains in it as well.
24. With the credit crunch, people are starting to cut their own hair. I gave myself a Brazilian the other night. But let me tell you, as a man you should never get a Brazilian because when you get a hard-on, you look like a sundial at noon.
25. Viagra's overrated. It takes half-an-hour to have any effect. I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free.
| Frankie Boyle is now on tour - info from www.frankieboyle.com. His live DVD is out on 10 Nov.
FAMILY GUY GAGS
Pleasingly un-PC pearlers from the Griffin family's spanking new series...
26. [After Peter has found Jesus working in a record shop]
CHRIS: Mum, why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous and when I did it, I got suspended for five days?
27. [As the family enters a '50s diner]
LOIS: You know kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s.
28. [Peter looking at the ‘50s diner menu]
PETER: Look at this place, they don't serve any of this 1950s food any more. "Hamburgers", "French fries", "Cokes". He he. You kids don't know what I'm talking about.
29. [A disabled waiter comes over]
CHRIS: Are you a robot?
WAITER: No son, it's the 1950s and I have polio.
CHRIS: I've never heard of polio.
PETER: Yes, Chris. Polio back then was like AIDS today. Except people who have polio get into heaven.
30. [Joe is wearing a moustache for a fancy dress party]
CLEVELAND: That's a great costume, Joe. Are you Franklin Roosevelt?
Joe: No, I'm the Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz.
QUAGMIRE: Oh, you mean like if he dived into the shallow end?
JOE: No, regular Mark Spitz.
PETER: Wait, are you Stephen Hawking at the beach?
JOE: No, I'm Mark Spitz! He won seven gold medals.
CLEVELAND: Oh, I get it, you're crippled Magnum PI.
JOE: Fine, I'm crippled Magnum PI.
| Family Guy series eight starts on BBC Three early next year.
ED BYRNE GAGS
Lank-haired Irish anger-monger's latest laughs...
31. It's all in the marketing - if you call the economic slowdown a recession, it sounds bad. If you call it the credit crunch, it sounds like a new flavour of ice-cream by Ben & Jerry's.
32. You can't tell people how to raise their children. Unless they're Austrian.
33. I'm scared of young people but I'm not scared of goths or emos. Imagine getting stepped to by an emo? You're an emo, for God's sake. Between the two of us, we know who you're most likely to harm.
34. I do like a drink. You know how some people say, "I like to drink as much as the next man?" Not if I'm the next man you don't!
35. I'm quite good in an argument. This bloke went, "If you look up stupid in a dictionary, there's a picture of you." To which I replied, "I'm not the one who had to look up stupid in the dictionary. And my dictionary doesn't have pictures in it, you moron."
| Ed Byrne's show Different Class is on tour until 3 December.
Brand new gags from Bender, Fry and co's forthcoming film...
36. REDNECK: Get a load of that ugly ship. What shade of green is that? Puke?
LEELA: For your information, it's called electric mucus. And you're making fun of our ship? Your ship's the most beat-up thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Mickey Rourke's head.
37. LEELA: OK team, these red hot, razor-sharp fans are the only safe way into the mine.
38. FRY: There are so many killbots behind us I can't count them all. Three, I think.
39. BENDER: Feast on the succulent flesh of the roast munchkin.
COOK: Care for a slice of scroto?
FRY: That's his name, right?
40. FARNSWORTH: Igner, the evil I could tolerate, but not the stupidity. Just being in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo.
| Bender's Game is out on DVD and Blu-ray on 4 November.
MICHAEL McINTYRE LINES
Newies from the next big thing...
41. You get on the train in the morning and everyone's reading the Metro. Why doesn't one person just read it out to the whole carriage?
42. Why do old people pick up the phone and say their number? I've just dialled it. Do they open their front door and say their address?
43. Never wake up a woman when she's having a lie-in. The only time it's acceptable is if a celebrity's died or if it's snowing.
44. I've got this new phone and it's a disaster. It's got a camera, but I keep taking photos by accident. I can't make a call but I do have 98 pictures of my ear.
45. Why do they bother with wind on weather reports? "There'll be a stiff southwesterly." I don't give a shit - I'm not sailing to work.
| Michael McIntyre is on tour now, see www.offthekerb.co.uk. DVD Live & Laughing is out 17 Nov.
SECRET SIMPSONS GEMS
Mmm, newly-unearthed mirth from classic episodes...
46. [Homer is reviewing a vending machine]
HOMER: Hmm, tart, tangy - the perfect complement to G3.
LISA: Here, try a little H4.
HOMER: Ahh Kit Kat, you've done it again. Three cheers for Amalgamated Vendicorp. OK, let's move on - I've heard good things about the Jawbreaker machine.
47. HOMER: Oh! I need a dance partner. What about you?
MARGE: OK, daddio. Let's shake our tail feathers.
HOMER: You got it, Momma.
BART: [To Lisa] I'm going to gouge my eyes out now. When they fall on the floor, can you please stand on them?
48. MAYOR QUIMBY: In honour of him bowling a perfect game, Evergreen Terrace will now be known as Homer Simpson Boulevard.
HOMER: And I just want to say Homer Simpson Boulevard will be just like me - wide, noisy and cleaned every other Tuesday.
49. MAYOR QUIMBY: Let's face it, we all went a little crazy last week. So let's stop the madness by renaming this street Evergreen Terrace.
HOMER: You can't do this. Homer Simpson Boulevard is an oasis of culture that attracts all kind of... Hey, are they hookers?
50. [The Simpsons have been house-sitting for Mr Burns]
HOMER: Mr Burns, pirates got your yacht.
MR BURNS: What? Oh well, I suppose some mishaps are unavoidable. As long as you did the dishes.
LISA: Run for it!
| The Simpsons: Season 11 is out now on DVD.
Life On Board A Warship!
We climb aboard HMS Liverpool to see what life is like at sea during battle!