From the sublime to the ridiculous. England follow their impressive, Theo Walcott-inspired 4-1 defeat of Croatia in Zagreb with a World Cup Qualifier at Wembley against Kazakhstan.

That'd be the same Kazakhstan made famous for mankinis, "sexy-time" and wine made from horse wee! But what else do we know about England's Central Asian opponents? Over to you Borat...

Kazakh Training Regime!
"After last year's dismissal and - I assume - execution of English coach McClarens, I briefly offered my services for the position. Kazakh training methods would be guaranteed to make your English side strong enough for victory and includes running, suspending heavy weights from testes satchel and carrying womens against their will for long distances. I believe some of English players already have experience in this last discipline. We also have Kazakh incentive method to produce a more attacking side - this involves placing landmines in our team's half of the pitch."

Geography!
"Kazakhstan have a most vary geographies with high mountains, medium mountains, low mountains and desert, around which for centuries shepherds have moved their large herds of sheeps, goats and womens in search of food. Kazakhstan also has most beautiful coastline on Caspian Sea, perfect for family holiday - with unbroken stretches of golden sands up to three miles long between the nuclear power plants."

Space Travel!
"Since he was elect into power in the coup of 1990, glorious Premier Nazarbamshev have make Kazakh Space Program number one priority of all government spending, with more tenge (money) allocate to it annually than Departments of Health, Education and Justice combined. This investments have recent success in attempt of Kazakhstan to be first nation to put horses into space!"

Music & Television!
"Famous recording artist of Kazakhstan you will surely enjoying is of course pop star, Billy Sexcrime, who had big international successes with his disco-song, It Ain't Gonna Bite Ya. Kazakh Big Brother is Kazakh version of very popular Western television programme, where 20 peoples is locked in a room and constant filmed. They has been in there for five years now - eight of them has die and all of the 12 womens has now had three childrens each."

Tourist Attractions!
"My town Astana, like most modern city in world, have a most excellent zoo. But unlike most other cities in other country, where it is rumour that the animals is treated cruelly - at Astana Zoo, we guarantees it! Have you ever be made angry because a monkey in safari park have damage your car or throw his shits at you? Well, get your revenges here by throwing your shits back at the animals or, if you like, punching them in the face."

World-Class Facilities!
"Kazakh football team play at our famous Hueylewis Stadium. This amazing world-class arena in our capital city Almaty have seatings for 780,000 people and has electrical light and a toilet with flush (flush currently broken). We also have attractions that will impress your English WAGs like discounts on luxury goods bought at Kazakhstan's supermall Viktor Hotelier's Shopcity. For example, if Miss Coleen Rooney makes purchase of a toilet seat made from a women's pelvis, she will receive a free gypsy boy to carry her bags and clean her anoos. As you can tell we is great sporting nation. Victory to Kazakhstan - England team will be crushed!"

PUB FACT: Kazakhstan is the world's largest land-locked country.

| England vs Kazakhstan World Cup Qualifier is on ITV1 at 4.30pm, 11 October. The book Borat: Touristic Guidings To Minor Nation of US & A/Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan is available to buy now.