WHILE FREDDIE SHEPHERD WASHED HIS SOCKS
Newcastle United have cancelled their Nativity play this year. Although they've got
11 donkeys, they can only find one Wise man and the Messiah's gone missing.
Sent in by Jim W, Darlington

ROLLING MAUL
I think the Paralympics is better than the Olympics. The wheelchair rugby is amazing. It's like the real Robot Wars. I mean that in a positive way.
Jimmy Carr, 8 Out Of 10 Cats

RA-RA-RIP
The writer of The Hokey Cokey was buried yesterday, but they had trouble keeping his body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in...
Sent in by Scott Burton, Clwyd

NUT STACK
What do you call 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole.
Sent in by Harri Bryan, via text

NO DIVING, NO PETTING
Rebecca Adlington's face is like someone looking at themselves in the back of a spoon. But her boyfriend looks like a male model, which must mean she's really dirty. Well, she can hold her breath for three minutes...
Frankie Boyle, Mock The Week

SCORE DRAW
Gary Glitter has requested that after his death, his ashes be put into an Etch A Sketch, so that kids can still fiddle with his knob!
Sent in by Jez Simpson, via email

TOP OF THE SHROPS
There was a barbecue in Maesbrook last week. Things went down like a house on fire but unfortunately they ran out of Fosters at 4am.
popbitch.com

INHALIN' PALIN
So new Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin admitted she's smoked marijuana, but she didn't enjoy the experience. Isn't that amazing? Around 100 million Americans have smoked marijuana, but the only ones who don't seem to like it are the ones who are running for office.

Also, back in 1984, Palin came second in the Miss Alaska beauty contest. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty queen might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years and now here's one that could really do it!
Jay Leno, US talkshow host

ARCTIC ROLE
Fox News reported: "Sarah Palin does know plenty about international relations because she's up there in Alaska, right next door to Russia." Alaska is also next to the North Pole so, obviously, she must be friends with Santa, too.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

REPUBLICAN BARMY
Last week, President Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Or as Bush calls it, "Live via magic."
Conan O'Brien, US talkshow host

MULTI MILLINER
It's true - Bono did once pay $1,700 to have his favourite trilby flown in a first-class seat from London to a U2 concert in Italy. In a totally unrelated story, on the same day, British Airways staff set a new world record for wiping their arses on a hat.
Angus Deayton, Would I Lie To You?

LIVE & LET DYE
Big Brother‘s Sara is going to take albino housemate Darnell to meet her parents. And he's looking forward to introducing her to the mad professor who brought him back to life. Of course, Sara's from Australia so she's used to being up all night on the red eye.
Jimmy Carr, 8 Out Of 10 Cats: BB Special

PLAYING WITH YOURSELF
The only use those late-night quizshows have is if your girlfriend comes down, you can quickly turn the TV over from Babestation. "I was just having a quiz! With a hard-on."
Jason Manford, Tonightly