You're doing podcasts that are sponsored by Right Guard. Who's the smelliest famous person you've ever met?
I've never met him, but you only have to look at Pete Doherty to know he'd reek. I wouldn't like to share a cab with that Amy Winehouse, either.

Bad pongs must be familiar to you - didn't you want to be a lab technician when you left school?
Yeah! I thought, "Wow! I'd do that!" So I went and did all my qualifications, but it was actually the most boring job ever. It turns out the only reason I liked it was because my chemistry teacher wore low-cut tops.

You were also a swimming pool lifeguard. Was that a good way to meet women?
You'd think so, wouldn't you? It really isn't. It's more like plasters floating in the water and kids spewing up.

You were on The F Word the other week. How was that?
A bit weird. We turned up and were put in the kitchen with all the cameras, but you never meet Gordon Ramsay until the programme starts. You don't get a chance to practise or anything. The first time you do it is when he shows you and you're off. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever done.

You once said one of your worst jobs was cleaning a bakery's dough machines. Why advertise Greggs, then?
I remember seeing Jack Dee doing the John Smith's ads and when he stopped doing them he was like, "I hate the stuff." I was like, "What the fucking hell did you do it for, then?" I'm in a good position where I actually like the product. It makes a big difference...

You've asked people to send in their audition tapes to be the support act on your new tour. You must have seen some shockers!
Nowadays, everyone does it like that - everything's like Pop Idol or Britain's Got Talent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to put mentalists up there. I don't want people to be laughed at - I want them to actually be funny. The best is getting £2,000 and a spot on my live DVD, after all!

So, when you were watching the audition tapes, was it like the end of Phoenix Nights?
Well, they're not all going to be fantastic! What's funny is when people get uppity about it. One got really annoyed, saying, "We sent you a DVD and you ain't got back to me!" I was like, "Fucking hell, sorry about that - sorry for offering you a break!"

Has your old pal Peter Kay been in touch recently?
He lives in a cave in Basra, so we keep in touch via satellite phones. Ha ha! Nah, he's busy making Britain's Got The Pop Factor (his new Channel 4 X Factor spoof) at the moment.

Have you seen those pictures of him dressed up as a tranny in the show?
Yep - on the front page of the paper. I texted him the words "Very uncomfortable" straightaway and he knew exactly what I was on about. I'm really looking forward to seeing the show, though. When we work together, we don't normally get to sit down and just watch the programme.

After releasing All-Star Balls Ups! last Christmas, do you fancy doing more footie DVDs?
There's nothing worse than watching a football DVD when it's just some bloke like Brian Conley going, "Watch this one - it's bonkers!" I said if was going to do it, I wanted to do something a bit different. At the end of the day, you're the one who looks bad if you put any old crap on there. Plus, I got to enjoy myself. The ex-footballers who were on the DVD - people like Chris Kamara, Paul Merson and Mark Lawrenson - all played when there was a bit of a drinking culture, so it was great to spend a bit of time in their company. I took them for a night out in London. Unbelievable.

We heard you and Peter were offered big money to do a Max & Paddy routine at Wayne Rooney's wedding. True?
Nah, it was just paper talk - we would have done it, though! Listen, we would tap dance naked if the price was right!

Paddy McGuinness is writing a blog on how to survive modern life, sponsored by Right Guard. See http://www.24hourman.co.uk